Awkwardness and Desire in Life Is A Circle, Or A Torus

As I alluded last entry, I have always been very awkward at social interactions because I’ve never quite grasped neurotypical social convention. That has often left me awkward, frustrated, and/or stuck in a doom loop over-analyzing and re-analyzing each interaction wondering what I did “wrong”, what I “should have” said, etc. It made interaction so stressful that I mostly was a loner. I preferred keeping to myself, and developed very indoor hobbies, lots of reading, playing video games, etc. I’m honestly not really sure how I made friends. I think extroverts just kind of “adopted” me once they saw me in public, saw we had a related interest. I’m not sure how that works. Do they just point and say “That person’s going to be my friend”? It amuses me to think about because it’s so outside my experience.

Don’t get me wrong, once I do get to know friends, I can ease up and be myself around them. The “kids” today seem to call that “masking” in public, and dropping your mask around people you’re comfortable with. I am thankful for social media in some sense for connecting more of us introverts to see that we’re really not so rare or “weird”, just all struggling with an extroverted neurotypical world I suppose. It’s reassuring to see so many others having the same feelings, emotions, thoughts, experiences. Actually it almost makes me laugh, how much of a stereotype I feel sometimes. Feeds into that idea of learning to stop being the “honors student” and putting so much pressure on myself to “excel”. I’m not really all that “special”, unique, or creative – and rather than that being scary, I find it actually comforting. I never wanted to be famous or much of a “leader”, more felt pressured into it. I kinda just want to be a person, blend in with the background. Do my best to be there for people I care about and help others and just enjoy my life, which is something I maybe didn’t prioritize as much when I was younger.

One aspect that always eluded me was dating and sex. I was always so awkward because I am absolutely terrible at random small talk, especially when I’m attracted to someone. I would often start over-thinking it – just like my other interactions, honestly – and then probably come off as some combination of robotic and/or creeper. Most of the complication came from, again, feeling certain expectations were on me, and trying to feel my way through it while not really understanding what the rules and expectations actually were. In hindsight it was a lot of gender role sort of expectations, and to be fair some women expected it, but I should have really taken it as a sign that I’m just not a traditional male. I’ve always hated the macho view of masculinity. I’ve always hated feeling like I had to “take the initiative” as “the male” when I really would have loved for a woman to ask me out (at least sometimes!) since I was so awful and awkward and nervous at approaching people. But I always felt like I had to, or it wouldn’t happen at all, so tried. I’m sure once I finally summoned the courage to make a move, my stress was palpable and probably came off the wrong way. “It’s giving creeper”, I’m sure. Oops. As you probably guessed, it wasn’t particularly successful, although I think in hindsight it also worked better than I realized with some friends who knew me but I would often sabotage myself accidentally by making too many assumptions on what relationships and attraction look like. I’m going to blame growing up in a conservative area of the deep south of stressing me out and robbing me of a more easy-going dating and sex life. Maybe others figure it out sooner and work around it, but I didn’t because I’m just way too straightforward and literal about social interactions which TikTok would probably call “the ‘tism”.

As I approach 40, I have a different view. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still awkward as hell. But what I did learn over time was not to care so much what others think. To just try to enjoy the moment. In some sense I was so worried about making other people happy (fitting social norms) that I didn’t often ask myself what I wanted. I kinda feel like I missed out on a lot in my twenties and early thirties as a result, missed out on making more friends and having more casual relationships than I actually did. The “kids” today I think talk about being in their “era”, well, I feel like I want a “promiscuous era” (apologies to the “kids” if I have completely misused that term, I’m trying!). I’m not sure if that’s the right word either, as I’m not necessarily looking for totally random, anonymous sex. I mean just super casual flirting and dating. Ideally I’d actually like to have a friend with benefits or two; on-going, casual relationship. Another thing I’ve learned from the “kids” is all the language that didn’t exist when I was in high school to talk about different kinds of gender, sexuality, and relationships. I really enjoy learning about it because I think it helps me figure out things about myself I never understood or articulated well before. I would describe myself as “aro” (a-romantic), because the romance of relationships was probably always the thing that confused me the most. I don’t really “get it” and came off so awkward because I was trying to follow advice from friends on how to be romantic but that just comes off robotic. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about people! I do, a lot. I’m a very loyal friend and partner. My love language is acts of service. If you need me, I’m there, and I will always look for ways to help out. I just don’t generally like the traditional romantic thing, don’t really know how to do it and don’t expect to receive it. So “friends with benefits” with some slightly more on-going commitment seems about right. I believe in ethical non-monogamy, don’t really like the idea of “owning” a partner, don’t really like the implicit assumption that one can only care about and have feelings for one person at a time; I think it’s not just possible but natural to care about multiple people, just expect honesty if there’s anyone else (and appropriate health/safety if sex is involved).

But I’ve always been awkward and the pandemic certainly didn’t help. For health reasons I’m still very cautious about it (yay new variants), even though most people aren’t, which is one complication. But in general my skills and “rizz” are super atrophied. I kinda just want to go on a few completely casual, no pressure or expectation at all dates just to like… get used to talking to new people again. I am completely aware of how funny it is that I’m having this whole sexual and relationship awakening (and/or mid-life crisis), and then realize “oh right, I don’t actually know how to talk to people and make this happen anymore” – I laugh at it too! It’s kinda like agoraphobia. I used to go outside and talk to people. I know that I used to know how to do this. I’m not sure where that skill went. I feel like I “forgot” and have to start over and relearn from the basics. It’s kinda crazy. What happened to my hobbies? How did this happen? Is this what the pandemic did to all of us? I’m just trying to figure my way through it.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to get started. Everyone seems to have their dating app stories, for better or worse. I wonder about trying, I don’t know, Tinder. Maybe something else with more of a dating profile would work better to find someone more likely to be a friend. I don’t even know all the apps these days. Also the apps might assume someone is single, while I’m… well, it’s complicated. Ethical non-monogamous, certainly while I/we figure it out.

Maybe I am still overthinking it a little bit though. Maybe I just need a fling with someone else looking for just a fling. I am horny and curious for a bit of thrill. Let’s call it part of breaking the rut and re-learning how to be social too.