Useless in Stuff

In writing from my phone, mostly in the foetal position in my bed, as it’s one of the few positions that gives me some relief from the pain. I feel like being kicked in the balls is a similar pain threshold to what lower-back pain is. My upper back I can handle. It’s annoying but at least I can still move around. This shit, however, has grounded me useless.

So yeah my entries at the moment aren’t much fun. I just wanted to have another whinge. Naturally, I couldn’t go into work today for my last shift of the week. It sucks as I don’t get my penalty rates for not working, but at least I get my normal rate in sick leave. I kind of need to be able to move to do my job so going in would have been stupid and pointless. I had to catch-up my manager with what had happened.

And I’m so fucking annoyed at my body. I work-out to prevent this kind of thing from happening. I do rowing as a warm-up six times a week. That should be strengthening my lower back. Instead, I walk 30 minutes to work yesterday morning and pick up a light box of pudding, and then I go down like a ton of bricks. I even said to the duty manager that if he had seen me earlier, he would have seen me doubled over in pain. I didn’t think I was gonna be able to get back up again. I had to crawl my way back up my own thighs, if that makes any sense. I’m still having to do that now. Laying on the floor earlier today seemed to help. I gently used my roller and felt really tight when it got toward my tailbone area. Like, it’s really fucked.

I managed to go for a few brisk walks today, very very slowly. I have to walk to the centre of the footpath alongside a road so that I have enough time to cross without a car flying along, which they tend to do around here, just to give me enough time to hobble across safely.
My first trip was for food and my second trip was to stock up on more painkillers. I’m using Advil (apparently ibuprofen is better for back-pain than paracetamol is) and I’m using Tiger Balm for the first time ever. Thankfully the smell doesn’t seem as potent as I remember it being when my parents used it. The menthol feeling was kind of nice after a while. It seems to have worn off already though so I’m sure I’ll go through the tiny jar in no time.

I also discovered a big purple bruise on my right leg today. It’s hidden toward the back so I didn’t even know it was there! So that annoyed me even further. Do I have AIDS?? No, surely not. I’d need to fuck someone to have AIDS right? Although I haven’t been tested for HIV in some time. Anyway, it’s not painful at all and I don’t remember hitting it on anything. Google says it’s nothing to worry about, which is weird for Google. At least it’s not WebMD, which diagnoses “death” for most things 😛
So upon seeing that in the mirror today, I guess I’ll keep an eye on the colour and see if it changes colours and hopefully fades away. If any more appear, I’ll probably then be more paranoid about it being something more sinister. I’ve seen “Holding The Man” and “It’s A Sin”, and as a gay man, they were confronting.
But anyway, getting rid of my back pain so that I can actuallymove again is my first priority 🙄
I’m thinking I need to apply for this entire week off work, but I don’t want to jump the gun too soon. I’m meant to do yet another extra shift on Wednesday but I feel it’s not going to happen, right now anyway.

Anyway, feeling sorry for myself and feeling useless.