Mundanity and Mortality in Ultimate Randomness

I’ve been meaning to get back to writing, autobiographical or otherwise. Yeah, believe it or not, I am an aspiring, but shit writer. Not that I think my writing is shit, necessarily, but that I am shit about actually sitting down and writing. I have a story that I started in a creative writing class back in 2002 and have worked on in tiny little bits and pieces over the last 19 years. Some of it actually appears in another book I have on here. Its nothing special, but it is personal and I do have a general idea of where I would want the story to go. I just actually need to sit down and write. Not sure why I haven’t. Maybe I am just lazy like I have been told my whole life. Who knows?

So I haven’t been up to much in the last week or so. My dick appears to have healed, at least. So there is that. I can’t remember exactly which day I wrote last, so I will just start with the most important event: my sales day at my job. The old store is officially closed an the place I have been at for the last 6+ years is gone. Not to mention leaving the company I have been with over the last 8 years. We knew it was coming seeing as they offered myself and my assistant manager the opportunity to move over to the company’s other store. At that point, I told them about the interview and incoming job call I was expecting. We were already down to three staff as of the beginning of last week with the other two girls going back to college. So instead of prolonging the inevitable, the owner and general manager decided it was time to shut the store down. So we worked out the last week with three of us and had our last sales day on Friday. I’d like to say I was sad, but I’m not. I was in food service for the last 14 years straight and have spent 19 out of the last 21 years in some form of service job. It’s time to be done and move on. I did go in on Saturday to help clean up and clear some stuff out, plus it let me take some product home. Not such a bad day. I’m probably going back on Sunday to help move out appliances, but that is more out of the kindness of my heart. Especially since my owner gave me an extra week of vacation pay to go with the week I had saved up, which gives me a little buffer space until I get the call for the new job. It should be coming soon, I hope. I confirmed they got all the information they need on my end. Its just a matter of things being sorted out, far as I know. Haven’t done a whole lot with the rest of my week. Caught up on dishes, went for a couple of 5 mile walks around the neighborhood to get some exercise in, continued playing Kingdom Hearts for my family back home on Twitch, hanging out with my friends and going to a trivia night on Wednesday, doing a shop on Monday for some supplies…I think that’s about it. Only thing that sucked about the hang out is my face. My ex, who is probably my best friend, has this thing I have noticed alot of women have about popping pimples. So every now and then, she wants to pick at my face and head. And I let her cause why not? Gets rid of pimples and cheers her up. Downside is that I look like I got a pavement facial. Lots of scabs. My face bleeds easily. Plus I have a mild sunburn from my walk yesterday too. Reminded me I need to buy some sunscreen at the store next time I go, especially if I am going to continue my little walks, which I need to because that is the best exercise I get on a regular basis.

That, actually, contributes to the next part of this entry. My uncle passed away from melanoma when I was 4 years old. So my parents were always pretty good about putting sunscreen on us. And usually, I am pretty good too. Problem is I don’t go outside near as much as I used to, so I haven’t thought about it as easily. Between that, a friend of mine coming down with Covid, and a rash of watching horror movies lately, not to mention the suicide last night of WCW and TNA wrestler Daffney. As a wrestling fan with severe depression and suicidal ideation, these hit me hard when they happen. It started with a livestream last night where she was acting erratic and threatening self harm. From all accounts, alot of folks, both personal friends and friends made in the industry, attempted to contact her and send the police for a wellness check. Unfortunately, help didn’t get to her in time and she took her own life. Another in the industry gone way too soon. Stuff like this, Robin Williams, and Chester Bennington hit me pretty damn hard. Depression is a beast and, while I am almost positive I will never self harm, it hasn’t exactly kept me from doing passive harm in the form of shit diet, lack of exercise, and shutting myself off from most people for decades at this point. I can honestly say the thing I am most confused about in life is death. The thought of just not being aware scares the shit out of me. The idea of having a major, or even minor, surgery messes with my head pretty bad. What is weird is that going to sleep doesn’t worry me at all. After all, how different are the two really? But I haven’t actually been entirely under during any kind of thing since I had some child teeth removed as a 10 year old kid. Even when I had 4 wisdom teeth pulled in the same surgery as a 17 year old, they gave me novacaine, an IV anesthetic, and gas, I was still awake for the majority of the procedure. The thing I have valued so much as an adult is awareness. Even when I get drunk, I do not black out. I am completely aware of what is going on, what I am doing, etc. Oh sure, I may have less impulse control, but I am wholly aware. So while I have spent alot of my adult life not caring if I lived or died as a result of depression, the thought of actually dying and losing awareness terrifies me. It could be a result of just feeling powerless my whole life. I haven’t been able to control my own emotions, I can’t control how other people relate to me, I spend alot of time feeling unloved and unlovable. The only thing I feel that I have had control of in my own life is the sensory input I take in. I guess the thought of the loss of that last little bit of control and there being nothing to understand or process thereafter scares the hell out of me. Probably also why I find shit like this and horror movies fascinating. I always wonder what that last thought is, how long that last moment of awareness draws out since time is a relative concept. Knowledge and knowing are things I crave. Those are the only things I really own in my life. Those are the only things I truly feel treasure me as much as I treasure them. And yeah, I know that isn’t true and I am not alone. My parents love me. My sister loves me. I am sure, in their own way, my niece and nephew love me even though they don’t know me as well as I should have let them. I know my ex loves me and cares about me. I know my friends and other family would be broken up if something were to happen to me. I know all this, but there always feels like something is missing. Ya know, I don’t need or even want someone who is wholly dedicated to me at the expense of their own life or happiness. I love strong women who don’t need me. If anything, I want someone that I can love and support, someone for whom I can be their biggest cheerleader. Someone I can be partners with in life, love, and hopefully success. And maybe the occasional booty grabbing and booby groping. What can I say? I am a perv after all. I think we covered that previously. Shit, I don’t even care if I get off myself. I can handle that. Hell, I have had to for most of my life. But it is alot more fun to have someone else who I can help get off too. No reciprocation required. Weird, I know. I never claimed to be all that normal after all. All this is alot to ask another person to be privy too though and it is probably why, when I die, I will be wholly alone. And that scares me too. Just knowing that when the time comes, there will be no comfort for me. Just fear. Honestly, not much different than most of my life. So much to be afraid of, and all right up until the very end. Anyhow, I have been enough of a downer for now. I shall return and hopefully with some good news about the job front. If nothing else, I will at least have some new recaps of what I have been doing with my time. For all of you out there who might read this, I hope you know you are loved by someone and you are not alone either. Keep on keeping on and may your days be bright and your nights pass in comfort and love. Good night!