Yeah. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been a pretty good morning. I woke up about an hour before the alarm and was super tired but couldn’t go back to sleep. Today is my free day and then tomorrow is onboarding. I’m going to find out when I’d have to take the test and hopefully stretch it out until the end of the month at least because I need another payment before I start working.

I need to do laundry but I don’t think I have enough quarters so I’m going to have to run and get some. I might as well order my medications and just make 1 trip.

I was finally able to talk to my friend this morning and we were visiting about CS. I told her that it’s one of those things where you’re either going to get it or you’re not but if you don’t, there’s no point in trying to pursue it. I told her I was going to wait and see if I get a payment and then if I don’t, decide from there if it’s worth the gas and miles on my car to get an order where he lives. From what I’ve read online, things aren’t going too well with the girlfriend and I highly doubt he’s going to be there forever.

There’s a big part of me that would want to keep pursuing it because then I know in my heart I did everything I could but I also don’t really want to be even more pissed that it won’t get paid after I’ve wasted miles on my car and a bunch of gas. I just don’t know if it’s worth it. I think it would be better to just leave it and let it go. I posted about this online where someone told me to never rely on CS but it’s never been consistent so it’s never been relied upon. It’s just disgusting that so many women have been through this exact same thing and tell you to just forget about it.

It’s kind of hard to do that when our lives are affected all the time by this person. I definitely handle all this better now because I’ve had years to be pissed off but that doesn’t make it okay for this to continue either. Whether I ever get a dime or not, I just need to focus on my own life and being the best Mom I can be. There’s nothing you can do about someone else and their choices.

I’m looking forward to the onboarding in the morning. It’s a job within school hours and I would be able to pick my own schedule. I definitely don’t want to be in that room much longer and I also can’t stand sitting here by myself all the time. I really want to have a life outside of my home and be able to talk to more adults. My other friend called a few minutes ago which helps some but I’m very lonely and need more interaction.

Last year my Mom was telling me how lucky I was to just hang out at home but I don’t see myself as lucky. It’s hard to sit and stare at the same walls every single day. I definitely worry about stuff once I start working but I’m just going to take it one day at a time and just hope that everything works out. I also want to be able to file taxes this year and have money in the bank for other things.

My daughter was telling me a couple of nights ago that she and the other kids wore pull ups and were in a room with the door having the lock on the outside. The other kids are 5 and 7 and my daughter is 6 so there’s no reason for pull ups. She said that the daughter put the pull up on her and said, “just in case” so I’m extremely troubled by all of this. I told my kid how sorry I was that she went through all of this to see her Dad but future visits will by here and supervised by me. I can tell that she knows none of this was okay and that’s why she’s told me.

I feel really sad for these kids that are growing up like this. I couldn’t imagine locking my child in a room for the whole night and having her wear a pull up. She said that it was also super hot in that room as well. I just couldn’t imagine locking my kid away like an animal. I get that people raise their kids differently but I see this as abuse. I am very upset that my kid was exposed to all of this and I will make sure it never happens again. I also find it pretty weird that I text the girlfriend about things my daughter said and she didn’t do anything to try to clear things up.

We’ve had a lot of these same issues in the past and that’s why visits stopped. Now, there’s just more reasons to add to the already long list of why my kid shouldn’t be around him. I’m just tired of trying to be communicative and getting blown off as well. I’ve done everything I can do for him to be involved but then it’s just an added headache when he is. I hope they realize that there’s going to be serious issues for them to ever take my child again.

I’ve always talked about supervised visits and I’m not budging again until there’s a court order. I have too many concerns. I don’t feel that my child is properly supervised in his care and I don’t want to worry about her being given gummies at bedtime, wearing a pull up and being locked in a room.