lion's jaws in --

Do you ever think about what a different life might have been like?

I am constantly. It gets me through most days.

It’s a left over trait I acquired from my daydreamer days. I used to live in my head. Life has forced me outside of it. In some ways, it’s better. It used to be the way I coped, and now sometimes I am not sure how to, other than by being co-dependent.

I am holding my baby in my arms. She’s the last one I will ever have. My son is a little boy now. I wonder what they will be like when they grow up. I hope they are not like me. I hope they are happy to just… be. And never feel lost and purposeless.

I have had babies, I wanted it so badly my entire life. It was something in the future that I could look to to get through each day.

I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have anything abstract now. I don’t know why I need the abstract, I guess it’s just the dreamer in me.

I don’t want to be a dreamer. Why can’t I just be like people who are content with tv shows and hobbies. Why am I not one of them?

I used to write poetry. I used to be someone, although I felt like I was no one.

I miss that, I guess. There is a certain comfort in being melancholy and I hate that, but it’s just how I have always been, even as a child. Growing up and having children has forced me away from that but I guess deep down, it’s always there.

I wish I could be more grounded.