I was right....I think. in Memories.....or lack thereof...

So previously I mentioned that I have no memories from birth to age 14/15 and then I start getting spotty memories and impressions. This is because when I was a child my brother abused my 2 sisters and I. I have been told that sometimes it was innappropriate but with me he was mostly violent, terrifyingly violent. One memory my older sister told me about was a time when she remembers him coming in and walking past the back of the couch and grabbing my ponytail and flipping me over the back of the couch onto the floor, I was 3 or 4 at the time. He also loved to jump out and scare me into tears, for fun. To this day I can’t stand having people walking behind me, or touching the back of my head or rubbing my back. Having someone scare me, even in fun, can send me spiraling into blind panic. I never thought I blamed my mom until tonight. We were having a difficult conversation and I had the thought ” I’ve never been able to rely on you” pop into my head. That’s when I realised I feel abandoned and like she’s never been there for me. I don’t know if it is related to the abuse from my brother or other tough things from my teens years but it is something I’m having to work on.