unlike a virgin in poetry

I wonder if Madonna manages to keep up
her legendarily-terrible fake British accent
even in the middle of coitus

“oh, oh, call me Mummy, call me your Mummy, guv’nah!”
“yes, yes Father, yes, put in right up me boot, Father!”
or you know whatever
something like that

when you’ve been that out of touch
with the reality of being a real human being
for so very long, for goddamned decades
when you’ve been so out of touch with reality
that you can be from suburban Michigan
and start suddenly talking like some
fuckin’ Edwardian chim-in-ey sweep
and expect everyone to go with it
you’ve been surrounded by yesmen
for your entire adult lifespan
when you’re that committed
does it even carry over
to the sex?

“go on, smack ‘em! smack me crumpets!”
“smack me crumpets but good and true!”
“you have me so hot just like a teapot!”
“you have me one-hundred degrees celcius!”
“because I’m horny and British, what what!”
or you know whatever
something like that

when you’re that far gone
trying to be something you’re not
and the stupid way our society works
once you get a certain amount of imaginary credits
no one can tell you what you’re doing is stupid

Madonna’s dumb fucking accent
John Travolta’s goddamn wigs
George Lucas created Jar-Jar Binks
and didn’t even end up committed
in the Howard Hughes Home for Billionaries Who Fuckin’ Lost It
for Christ’s sake, Jesus Christ on a crucifix-flavoured cracker
the isolation of extended fame is the exact opposite of sanity

“oh Father, I haven’t been rodgered like this since year twelve!”
“oh Father, make the sex any harder I’ll have to go to hospital!
or you know whatever
something like that
probably something
even stupider

and it’s fun to pretend that the Madonna Force
is like the Phoenix Force in the X-Men Comics
like it just possesses a given person for a while
then moves on to a new more vital host
leaving them changed and with but a shadow of its power
one day, it decided to leave her
moved on to that girl from No Doubt
who suddenly was no longer a pop-punk singer
was suddenly an astonishingly dull dance-pop singer
and the once little Italian girl from outside of Detroit
was left a posh middle-aged Jewish British matron
with a voice like a Monty Python member in drag

“oi, after this, let’s study the Kabbala!”
“I just saw a show about it on the telly! On the Beeb!”
“I’m going to culturally approprate everything!”
“just as soon as I come, m’Lord!”
or you know whatever
something like that

but there is no Madonna Force
people who get that famous are generally
on the run from themselves, that’s why
they can put in all the work and time
and lying and compromise and pain
to actually become really famous
they’ll sacrifice friendships and loves
family members and blood and sweat and tears
so they can become so popular
they can become someone else
and no one will be able to
say how the Emperor of fame
is stark fucking naked

Gwen Stefani was never a punk
it was just the easiest path to
being a dance diva, of course

Madonna became whatever
society wanted her to become
as long as it got her famous
and now, in her early old age
she becomes whatever sounded
proper and respectable to a
child in Bay City, Michigan
a Bri’ish accent like the queen
as famous as the day was long
yeah, she’ll talk like her now
and it’s sad as balls
running from herself
running from a hole in her heart
pretending she’s fucking British

George Lucas, I have no idea
probably fried his brain on
celluloid-developing liquids
back in film school
a rasta lizard bunny
who steps in poop
good Lord

I wonder if Madonna manages to keep up
her legendarily-terrible fake British accent
even in the middle of coitus

“bangers and mash! bangers and smash!”
“feed me all of that spotted dick!”
or whatever but I hope not

I hope for her that in that
one shining moment of humanity
at our most animal
our most unguarded
our most passionate
she drops the facade
and is whoever she really is
at least for that one moment
of having a good solid come
she deserves it
even she deserves it
everyone deserves it
to really be themselves
at least once in a while

“oh, oh, oh, football!”
“kippers, Saint Swivens!”
“Benedict Hoobastank!”
or you know whatever
something like that

Last updated September 23, 2023