Bob and Fred Arctar: A Scanner Darkly in My New Life

Recently, A Scanner Darkly has fallen into my thoughts. Immediately, I went to the bookstore and picked up a copy. There is a moment when Keanu Reaves looks at his perfect life, hits his head in his perfect kitchen and he realizes how much he hates it all. That moment really spoke to me. It’s like I have been inhabiting two realities. In one reality, I am the best at what I do (in Hospitality;) I have name in it as chef, server, pizza thrower, etc. In the alternate reality, I have just been biding my time with my own goals in mind, and working to get there. I only became good at what I do (or did) because I have big ego. I hate sucking. The motivation to “not suck” drove me to become the best. But at a certain point in time you are winning shit you didn’t want in the first place. Like a chic who really likes you for your skills at something you hate doing. And getting titles that other people probably wanted more than you did.

Anyway, the moment hit me when I saw into the life she envisioned, and it was the scene in A Scanner Darkly. Perfect, boring, entertaining people you can’t stand, just to get shit you don’t really want. Making money just to spend it to look good for people you don’t really give a shit what they think, and you still can’t really figure out why their opinion matters at all.

The times in my life I was happiest: 1.) Teaching Snowboarding, taking violin lessons, going to a Trade School, and taking English 101 when I was 17. 2.) Getting out on my own and being wild and crazy with my best friends before I started college. 3.) College! Writing for the school newspaper, writing my English homework and essays. I loved every minute of being an English major and going to Writer’s seminars, Poetry slams, drinking and playing guitar at the local Bookstore & Bar. (I was working in restaurants and Food but just get through college.) 4.) Working as a 3D artist making designer lamps for my Greek friends, practicing Yoga, Martial Arts, drum circles and primitive camping with my Greek friends at various State Parks. 5.) Moving back in with my mom to help with the giant house, the rental house and helping to raise my youngest brother with tutoring, and driving him to school when he missed the bus. I was throwing pizzas for D_, playing music in bands and continuing my yoga life, kayaking, hiking, jogging, and writing.

And then it happened. I am Atreyu. And the Swamp of Sadness was to be crossed.

And now Fred Arctar is back in college and loving every moment of it and when I go back in to work at a restaurant my highly decorated suit of armor haunts me.

Last updated September 23, 2023