Pattern Recognition in Current Events

I see a pattern here. My metacognition is strong, thank god. My depression hit me again today. It hit on Monday and then again on Tuesday. Yesterday I was fine but it crept up on me again today. I was at work when it happened. I knew it was because I was dreading class tonight. But why? This is how it was when I was in school the first time around. 84 years ago when I was a teenager. Nobody talked about social anxiety or depression back then. I was at my darkest at that time. This must be some old programming that surfaced.

I did attend class today. It went relatively well. My math wasn’t mathing but that’s on me. I wrote down what I needed to work on during the weekend. My problem with math is that I only see the numbers and the formulas and that messes me up. I think in pictures and I need to see what is happening in my head and then just communicate that with said numbers. I need to understand the context, the context is god. Of course, I also need to understand the math itself. I’m just not math intuitive, yet. I had all this time. Again, that is on me.

I’m depressed that I’m depressed. I don’t want to be bummed out, especially at work. It was really hard to save face. My supervisor’s boss was in today. I walked in on them talking about me. All good things. I’m blowing everybody away. I couldn’t even enjoy that. I don’t want to burden anyone or make it anyone else’s problem. I just want to be my annoyingly peppy self.

I have to figure this out. I talk pretty big about sucking it up and here I am being humbled. It’s hard to function when you feel like your dog just died. I remembered how I love myself and that I have to parent myself, that inner child, and force him to go to class. I dragged his sorry ass to school today. I can’t let him suffer so I will find a way to help him heal. There is no threat. I have to tell him. We can let go of this attachment. Let go of this unrealized neurological compound that is no longer serving us.

I really do need that me-day. Just me in my bed with my thoughts and dreams and music. Just take a break from that surface pressure.

This depression makes me so short-sighted which is super frustrating. I can’t see past the pain. To when things will be better. I can’t see the solutions or the opportunities. It creates so many blind spots. I know better though. This too shall pass. I’ve been rumbling with this my whole life. It had stopped for almost two months. It’s back with a vengeance, it would seem. I don’t want to use drugs or become dependent on alcohol, that’s no shocker. I was thinking of getting some ashwagandha root powder again. The problem was that it made me dead on the inside. I wouldn’t even get out of bed. There was nothing inside to ignite. I’ll only add it to my smoothie twice a week. It’s just an adaptogen but it has a side effect that I didn’t know about.

I suppose what I should do is look at that two-month window where I was free from my anxiety and depression altogether. My circumstances were far more dire than they are right now but I was happier. I had my hot girl summer. I spent a lot of time in the sun. I think that is what it was.

Anyway, tomorrow is TGIF. It’s me and my projects this weekend. Also studying, of course.