Suicidal urge,cleaning hoarder home in Just Life

Between working at the hotel at 5 in the morning to serve breakfast I am exhausted because I am also cleaning and remodeling mom’s hoarder house. Yesterday I managed to clean out 4 bags before my mental health plummeted. When I had the urge to kill myself and burn the hoarder house to the ground I realized I better leave cleaning for another day. I cried in the car thinking if daddy was alive mom wouldn’t have destroyed the house. I have been cleaning on this house everyday since April 2022.

After dad died mom’s mental health decreased she quit bathing,cooking and cleaning. When I would try to clean at her house she would attack me cussing and fighting me pulling out weapons.She would dig garbage out and call it treasures. It wasn’t until her schizophrenia became to much in April 2022 did she realize she needed psychiatrist. While she was committed they told me she couldn’t cook or care for herself. Mom will be with me the rest of her life. She lives in my house while I try to save hers.

After my miscarriage I got on antidepressants. I knew I had the urge to harm myself. I can’t be placed in unit or I lose my right to care for mom. Between me and my husband she has 24/7 care. I stay alive to care for her.. she of course doesn’t appreciate it.. so typical of her.