Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

We’ve since eaten breakfast and I’ve picked up the house. We’re watching a movie and just hanging out. I am hoping my daughter naps today. I’m also hoping that her big sister texts about plans for today or tomorrow since they didn’t hang out last weekend.

It’s been a bit cooler lately and I’m definitely grateful for that. So I’ve heard the test I’m going to take is very easy and they have practice test online so I’m going to prepare for that.

I’m just hoping something good happens pretty soon because I am extremely stressed out. It’s been nice not going there for the past 3 days but the boredom is getting to me. It’s either sit there and be bored or sit here by myself and be bored.

All I know is I better hear something about my payment next week or I won’t be going back. I have to sign that form again because apparently they never got it and I have to go there in order to get help with gas.

I plan to stick it out for another week and a half but after that, I’ll probably be done. I’m still applying for jobs and trying to keep as many irons in the fire as I possibly can. It sucks that I don’t have childcare to work late or even weekends but that’s how the cookie has crumbled. It sucks that my Mom is retired and could help but that’s not going to happen.

It’s really sickening when I think about my parents relationship. I used to feel pretty bad for my Mom but I don’t anymore. My sympathy tends to only run so deep with situations like theirs.

But yeah, I think with the situation regarding him and his girlfriend I don’t plan to ever speak to them again. I’m sure I won’t hear another word about visitation until he’s secured another idiot to impress or give me time to forget all the shit my daughter said. We’ve had a lot of the same issues in the past with him feeding her junk food, no supervision and calling her by the wrong name and that’s why the visitation stopped. I just think until he’s in the right head space to be a Dad to her and is providing financially, he won’t be seeing her again.

If anyone thinks that it’s normal or healthy for him to just come in and out when it suits him needs to get their heads examined. He’s never played an active role in her life and I don’t plan to keep letting him do this. She understands that’s her Dad but he’s never going to be what she needs. He’s never been a help and can’t now living hours away. I think they should just feel fortunate that I don’t contact them or ask for anything.

I’m going to climb out of my situation and figure it all out. I plan on doing it with or without help. I’m on my own and that’s alright. I will get a job and just keep pushing until it happens. I miss working and feeling accomplished. I really hope that I get the job I want though. I’m pretty nervous about it but I don’t to have to work fast food. I’m very upset that I can’t do the job that I did before because I don’t have the childcare but everything happens for a reason.

Staying positive is the best thing I can do right now. Being upset, angry, or depressed isn’t going to help me climb out of this. I don’t want to go back and sit in that room but I’m not planning to do it much longer. They better hope there’s some plan for me get paid very soon or it’s going to send me over the fucking edge. I ain’t doing this shit for my health.

Hopefully things will work out soon. I just don’t know how much longer I can handle all this. It’s like things are just not happening as fast as I need them to. I’m sick of constantly worrying about money and what the future holds.

So I’ve gotten some really good news!! I made a post in a local group here about after school care and the lady that runs my daughter’s after school program reached out and said that she’s going to be pulling kids off the waiting list Monday and my daughter will be able to start Tuesday!! I know that there’s going to be some days coming up where it’ll be closed per usual but she’s gonna be so excited!!! She’s been asking me almost everyday and I have just kept telling her that she’s on the waiting list and hopefully we’ll hear something soon!!!

She’s going with her big sister tomorrow as well but I haven’t told her about these things just in case it doesn’t work out. I am used to that kind of stuff happening that I know not to tell her ahead of time just in case something happens. I also hate being bugged profusely because it gets super stressful. I like to tell her right before plans happen to avoid her being upset because that kills me.

I’m very happy to hear all of this because again, it opens up my availability to get a job. I know there’s going to be days where I’ll have to be off right after school to get her but that can be planned in advance. I can’t even express how thrilled I am right now and I feel like things are going to be okay. It’s a huge relief!!!

It would still be nice to find care on weekends for my side hustle but I’ve never been able to make that happen. It’s really tough to find care for early morning, evenings, and weekends. Even if you find someone to do it, it’s expensive as fuck and no one works out for very long. I don’t want my kid bounced around and never feel comfortable because there’s no consistency.

My Mom offered to babysit on a Saturday a couple of weeks ago and he quickly shut that down. He’s just so against her having relationships outside of him and that’s what he’s always done. I know to not rely on her and I know to not even bother asking. My brother has told me that multiple times too. There’s no point in asking because he’s going to make sure that it just doesn’t fucking happen. I think my Dad is a sorry piece of shit and he’s got nothing better to do than control my Mom and everyone who wants a relationship with her.

It’s really bullshit that my Mom lives 3 miles away and we barely see her. If we do see her, he’s got to tag along. It would be great if she ever came over just to visit or even babysat once a month but that’s not how this is or will ever be. That’s why I don’t understand why he’s agreeable with her babysitting 4-5 nights a week if I would have gotten that job. He’s made sure that she doesn’t babysat and really hasn’t in the past 2 years. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked her to babysit just so I could go to an appointment, counseling, or even run a couple of errands and she doesn’t. It’s also bullshit that she’s left me high and dry so many times.

I don’t know how many times she’s left me high and dry but managed to text me in the middle of my appointments and ask how it’s going. So if I would have reminded her that she was to babysit she’d say, “I forgot” okay but you remembered to text me while I was there?! That doesn’t really make sense. No, she’s hoping to get an emotionally charged reaction so she wouldn’t have to feel bad for not helping!!!

She was to help when I had my last injection and I didn’t hear from her until after. It would be different had she text ahead of time and just say that she couldn’t help but the fact that she’s texted while I’m AT MY APPOINTMENT is fucking bullshit!!! She’s hoping that I’m going to be a raging bitch so she can just sit back and act like I’m the problem!! I don’t know how many times she’s agreed to help out and then the time comes and I don’t hear from her. It was about a year ago I had a dr appointment and dentist appointment in the same week where I’d asked her probably 40 times to babysit but she didn’t and that was another time where she text while I was there. Didn’t even bother to ask if I had found a sitter or anything.

I just don’t know why you would AGREE or OFFER to babysit and then not follow through. I completely get that my Dad has way too much pull in this but it’s not okay to just leave me high and dry but expect me to never get angry about it. Even if she was adult enough to get ahold of me before my appointments, I would have been able to maybe find another sitter or reschedule. There’s been too many times where I’ve had no choice but to take my daughter with me.

Again, no one understands that I’m only one person so there’s only so much I can do by myself. I’m grateful that my daughter is old enough to come with me to stuff but I can’t take her with me to everything either. Even now, I panic about appointments even though I would be able to bring her with if it’s not a school day. School is definitely a blessing because I’m able to get stuff done and not have to figure out what I’m going to do if there’s no school.

It shouldn’t be like this but it is. I used to think that it would get better the older my daughter gets but it hasn’t. It’s bullshit that everyone has left me high and dry. I find myself jealous of people who have a village and legit people to care about them and their offspring.

So I get the letter that I have 2 disability appointments coming up in 2 weeks. I’m just grateful that it’s a school day so I’m able to go. It’s sad that I had these same appointment the Summer of 2022 but I couldn’t go because my Mom didn’t want to babysit. I still wonder if I would have been approved then but everyone likes to do what they can to be of no help and keep me where I’m at.

It’s sad that I have to rely on school more than ‘family’ because if it were up to them, we’d be out on the street. I remember when I got denied for disability August of 2022 and my Mom didn’t really care. She apologized but refused to say anything about not babysitting. Had she helped with my daughter, maybe I would have gotten approved which would have really helped everything. It’s one thing to not help but it’s another when you refuse to acknowledge that had you helped, maybe things would have been better for my daughter and I a long time ago!!

I had to reschedule my onboarding because it was on the same day as these appointments so I’m going to have to wait longer to do that.