Sweet Surrender in Current Events

I’m on the tail end of a head cold. It was pretty quick, thank gods. Yesterday I managed to not give a fuck. It was an interesting state of mind that I would like to visit more often. All the weight that I felt was on my shoulders, I let it go. Fuck it. Fuck me, fuck you, fuck the world. Nothing matters. All problems are trivial. That’s the vibe. Everything seemed so fucking small and simple.

In the afternoon I made the decision to not go into class. That decision would have normally destroyed me. I felt angst about having that obligation. The moment I decided that I was going to stay home, I felt like all my battles were over. Fuck it! Who cares!? It was a sweet surrender. I’ll have to suffer the consequence of falling behind but that’s okay. I was really angry about going in. School sucks. Math sucks, that’s why I hate the experience so much. It’s the math.

There are a few mature students like myself there. The one next to me, boy was he pressed on Tuesday. He couldn’t sit still. He reminded me of myself this time last year. I started with Applied math to get back in touch. It had been almost 20 years. He was on that boat. The Chem teacher is not teaching a math class so she is going through it with minimal instruction. I was able to keep up because I did this last year. But when you’re deeply out of touch? That was me in that physics class. Implied math, I called it. Suddenly I’m doing trigonometry and algebra and things I ain’t done in 20 years. It was too rough. I dropped it.

I didn’t like that my teacher was late on our first day. Then she sat at her computer without saying anything for ten minutes. Then she kept us to the bitter end. It’s the moment where they get us to do work during class that I hate the most. With the other teachers, we start that at the end of the class and they let us go a half hour early. Anyone who needs time or help can stay until 8:30. When we left, the entire building was waiting on her so everyone can go home. It is what it is though.

I’m aiming to give a minimum of 30 minutes a day to study the materials. This weekend it will be a little longer because I missed a class but I have the booklet of the unit we are learning so I’ll just use Khan Academy. Khan teaches it better, imo. Well, at least I can pause and google my questions. It was as though my physics teacher copied the entire khan class last semester. It didn’t help me any. I ended up dropping it. Maybe I’ll take it again? Lol ugh. It was the math. I can’t even.