Fuck-It Era in Current Events

What else could I do if I just didn’t give a fuck? I can’t escape the consequences of missing yesterday’s class but it doesn’t feel like a big deal. Everything always feels like a big deal. Everything is always so intense with me. I can’t do anything without torturing myself internally with my overthinking. I got a taste of life without it and I want more. I want this to be my default setting.

All of the positive feedback and praise that I felt I deserved at work from the location I’m from I am getting at this new one. It’s still just a temp position but I am confident that it will roll over into a permanent one. Everybody, all day long, almost every day this week has been telling me that I’m doing such a great job. I’m blowing them all away. My supervisor is beside herself because we managed to complete our service list this week. I carried the bulk of that. I got us caught up on month’s worth of tasks. I am finding problem after problem which is making things happen. My supervisor praised me for a solid five minutes to the whole team for that. My questions are intelligent. My communication is perfect. They are making her learn more as well. This is how I wish my old boss was. I felt like I was such a burden over there. Like I was stupid. Even on the store side, at this new location, the managers are praising me.

I booked the whole day off on Tuesday so that I could visit my old store. It didn’t feel right. I don’t know what I was expecting. A lot of the people at this location really respect and admire me. They find me kind and funny. I have some hanging on to every word I say waiting for a punch line. I can’t stop myself from saying something sly and off the cuff. I’m a Capricorn. People come to look at what I’ve made for my meal preps because the presentation looks great. I’ve really expanded into this place and I am starting to like it.

Of course, it is not my forever job. Next to me, as I type, is my dumb binder waiting for me to study. I will do that this weekend. I am at the end of this cold. It was just a couple of days. I am aiming to hit up the gym first thing in the morning and actually play with machines this time while I’m in my fuck-it era. I bought proper gym clothes which makes me feel self-conscious. I feel like a try-hard that looks like a douchebag. However, just regular shorts and a T-shirt did not cut it last time. I understand gym clothes now. They can breathe better.

I shouldn’t be drinking whiskey while my body is trying to heal itself but I am just vibing too high. I bought more plants on my way home from work. Then I waited for my Amazon order. It had some macrame for me to hang on my wall and a new controller for my gaming console. My old one stopped working. My apartment is looking so good. I just wish I had hardwood floors instead of this carpet. I got an adaptor so that I don’t have to use the Bluetooth on my headphones. I have been listening to music and dancing alone in the apartment for hours. I balanced that with some chores. I have been building playlists on my Spotify. I used to do this in Winamp in the 2000s lol. Something about the perfect playlist for every vibe.

My roommate is coming home with some vegan pizza from a place by her gym. I’m looking forward to it.

Anyway, I better plan my weekend out on paper otherwise I’ll do nothing. Gym > Studies > Website > Podcast. When I say podcast, I mean play around with my microphone and such. See if I can make it all work. I’ll Facetime my sister and see how that goes. I also wrote down on my whiteboard on the fridge what I am meal prepping on Sunday. Once Connie returns from her medical leave at work I am going to ask to drop to four shifts a week.

I have a lot of Libras in my life and next month is heavy with Birthdays. I am working on a painting for Bev. When I say working on a painting I mean that I painted an entire canvas black months ago. She is a Wiccan, I have an idea for a cool painting for her. One that represents her and her two boys. A scale balancing a scale and a bow. Libra and Sagittarius, that’s what her sons are. My nephews? lol, they call me uncle. It feels weird but okay.

I messaged my old childhood friend last week. (While my guard is down during this fuck-it era, I keep randomly wanting to cry). I said that I played Mindless Self-Indulgence while on a mini road trip and thought of her. That I have been craving the movie The Devi’s Rejects which is making me think of her as well. She has been doing very well since she left this city. I want to visit her. Our parents thought we would fall in love as we got older but we’re both gay. She is the only Aquarius that I know who fits the bill. I miss her. Maybe I will go visit her. I have plenty of room on my credit card for a round trip… my fuck-it era ain’t that strong.

I would fly out to visit my brother if anything. I should look into that, actually, because fuck it! I can meet my nephews. I’ve met Aiden but he was just a baby. He’s 7 now. He looks just like my brother. Prettier than me, lol. He’s a Cancer. The few times we Facetimed, he’s definitely a Cancer.

I’ve been thinking of joining a proper dating site. I haven’t been let down in so long. I have my Roarke song and Tyler song on my Take Me Back playlist. Ellie Goulding - Lights, some dubstep remix, makes me think of Roarke. He really liked that song. Same with that one Gotye song which also makes me think of him. The Calvin Harris song Sweet Nothing with Florence is my Tyler song. It was my anthem for that saga. My clubbing days. Little did I know at that time, I was getting the full Libra experience with him. That indecisiveness. That flirtiness. That leading you on… ness. He moved to BC, I hope he’s well. Maybe the third time is a charm?