Confused. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I really am having a hard time accepting everything. I can’t get any type of help from my daughter’s deadbeat sperm donor and no one can force him to pay CS. I can’t afford childcare because I don’t have income and I can’t get any viable help from the state so I’m not sure where to go from here. All I’ve ever had was a fight. I don’t have any fight left in me. If I could just go close the CS case, I would do it. I’m never going to see a dime from him anyways and the state doesn’t care to help either.

I just want to know where to go from here. I don’t have friends or family to help with my daughter and I can’t be in 2 places at once. She’s also not old enough to be home alone. I only have so much money and once it’s gone, I won’t even be able to pay what little bills I do have. I’m cringing right now because I have to go buy cat food and cat litter.

There’s just no help for single Mom’s and then they wonder why people lose their fucking minds. There’s plenty of single parents that have committed suicide because they got tired of the struggle. I wouldn’t ever do that though because there’s no one to take care of my kid but I understand why people have done the shit they’ve done.

As I sit here by myself, I can’t decide if I want to break down and let out a really good cry or just keep trying to come up with some kind of job I could apply for that would be doable schedule wise. I can’t even work in daycares because I wouldn’t be able to leave to get my kid from school. I also can’t work at a job where I’d be on my feet the whole time because of my back issues. I’m just at a loss.

I would absolutely appreciate it for everyone to come over and explain just what the hell I’m supposed to do. I’ve tried to figure it out for years and I’m not closer to coming up with a solution now then I was 3 years ago when I lost my job.

But yeah, she left that voicemail yesterday saying they never got that form from me when I know damn well I mailed it a week ago. It’s just another reason to not give me a payment. I basically wasted 3 weeks sitting there. I did everything that was asked of me and they weren’t going to help me with gas, afterschool program and I wasn’t ever going to see a payment anyways. I just want to know where this is okay for them to do this to people.

I’m just so confused how they can’t help with car insurance, gas, an afterschool program, and I won’t be seeing a payment but they thought I was going to keep coming to sit there everyday? How is it helping my daughter or myself for me to waste my time and gas to be there? Did we forget how expensive gas is these days?! I don’t have a job to keep paying for it! I just don’t get how I’m to be held accountable by sitting in that room 5 days a week for 30 hours total but I’m not getting any kind of help. Everyday I would just hear more excuses for things to either not happen or things might happen but it’s going to be a good amount of time before they do.

I just don’t agree with how they get to pick and choose what they help with and they don’t with the stuff that would actually help you get and keep a job such as after school childcare. You aren’t getting the tools you need to be successful and it’s like they want to keep your there in that room. The whole thing is just a waste of time.

I went and got some gas and some stuff at the store. My daughter wants to pack a lunch tomorrow so I had to get some stuff for her to take. It’s cloudy and rainy here today but kinda humid. I got my cat food and cat litter.

That job never did call and it’s now Thursday so I can pretty much assume I won’t hear back. I’m annoyed that I wasted my time and gas to begin with. It wouldn’t have worked out for my Mom to watch my kid anyways. I’m still thinking about how she’s never been reliable but now she acts like she would be. I’m the type of person where I don’t want to have to get along with people, try and maintain a relationship with them and I can only bite my tongue for so long. I just know that within a week of her watching my kid, I would blow up and then I’d be back to the drawing board for a sitter anyways.

These people out here want a ridiculous amount of money to babysit but I’d end up paying my Mom the exact amount and have her eating all of our food. It would seriously just be more stressful and expensive having her babysit. I just don’t want to find myself in that situation again. They’ve just mooched off me too much in my lifetime that I can’t go down that rabbit hole again. No matter how much we’d want it to work, it would still end badly.

I asked my daughter the other day if she’d be okay with Grandma babysitting and she straight up told me no. I was really shocked by this because she used to LOVE hanging out with my Mom but I think now she’s so adjusted to her absence that she doesn’t want to try and adapt to her presence anymore. I respect that. I also wonder if she said no because she is so used to never seeing my Mom without him and she was worried about him being around. I didn’t pry whatsoever but I’m pretty sure I know why she said no. We rarely ever see my Mom without him tagging alone and it’s bullshit.

I made lunch and did the vacuuming. I have about an hour before school lets out. I haven’t really come up with a new plan for a job yet. I’m trying really hard to not settle in this mentally. Hopefully I’ll come across the right idea for a job and apply.

The TANF thing was just another round of crap. I’ll never sign up for that again. I’m just really pissed that BD won’t pay CS and I can’t even get any kind of help from the state. I don’t see the point in having an open CS case. It’s too bad that I can’t just close it. I’ll never see a fucking penny anyways. I don’t blame the Mom’s that just never even try to get any money because most of the time, you won’t!

I’m really frustrated that I wasted the last 3 weeks being there and I got no help whatsoever. I just want to know why they can’t help with the after school program because that would open up my availability and I’d probably get hired somewhere. That shit isn’t the help that they want you to believe that it is. I’m getting zero help whatsoever but they think I’m going to make it a priority to be there everyday?! No, I need to have the gas to get my daughter back and forth and get to my appointments.

I have 2 appointments next week. One on Tuesday morning and one on Thursday morning. I’m happy those are school days so I don’t have to take my daughter with me because the waiting sucks. I remember how many times I would ask my Mom to watch her and she wouldn’t show up but would text when I’d be at an appointment. I am just so grateful that I don’t have to rely on her and I’m going to make sure that I never do. It’s like a breath of fresh air that I can at least have school to rely on so I’m able to get things done.