Turning 27 tommorow ;) in Riverdale

Birthday tommorow

So my bday is tommorow I am going to be 27.yay! I don't find this year of particular important I wouldn't say until I hit 30 will I think much of this year. But with every bday I like to do some reflexion on the year past, what I have learned in that year and what has happened so here I go

When I was 26...

I had my heart broken, grieved the relationship, mourned deeply. Actually considered killing myself. Stayed in bed for two weeks when he broke up with me very depressed for six months.

But now as much as I miss him, hurt by him still have scars I move on without him. Free of the intense agony I thought would never go away. That is a huge accomplishment for me!

Finished a training and employment program in the dead of a harsh cold winter where I had to push myself to go and I only missed one day of intense and very deeply personal conversations about my life, poverty, women's issues, lgbtq issues all very heated and deeply hard topics to discuss with some great people and some ignorant less than ideal people.

I learned about my Roma heritage with pride and came out with it proudly to others even as it was new to me and I actually was kicked out of a bar because of my strongly discriminated ethnicity but I still remain true to heritage and am proud of it dispite many many discriminatory remarks and ignorant beliefs about what it means to be "Gypsy"

Held onto my faith in God through prayer sometimes crying begging pleading peacefully praising God and holding true to my faith regardless again of people laughing at my faith trying to disprove it and judging me because of it.

Made it though starvation and sickness from not eating properly when my mom cut me off financially in the middle of a month and I was terribly depressed and isolated from people and people turned their backs on me including people who I thought cared about me and people who are actually paid to help people like me in need. Through the grace of God I found money as well as hustled unfortunately to make ends meet without things getting worse

I told my Dad off for molesting me and basically confronted him. HUGE ASS step as I hadn't talked to my father after facing the truth about what he did to me and since he was quite an asshole to me in the process of cutting him off, which was two years ago.

Just generally keeping my head up and standing up for myself even in situations where there could have been serious repercussions to me doing so.

Speaking at the Memorial for Dec 6 massacre. (A anniversary of a terrible shooting massacre against women) telling my story of abuse publicly for the first time without my old company backing me up. I got this gig on my own Basically and was able to speak more candidly about my abusive experiences.

Which brings me to...

Retiring after seven years as a public speaker for a company I used to work for. Tying up loose ends and leaving gracefully.

Making a new friend and reconnecting with old ones

Confronting an two old but unhealthy friendships and severing them. I still look back fondly on some great moments with both and sometimes regret and am sad things ended the way they did but unfortunately these childhood friends gave me no choice as one just flipped out on me screaming and calling names and the other just basically did not even respond after awhile. I feel the endings were quite appropriate to the pain and lonliness I felt in the relationships one of them going as far back as grade one. There is quote a lot of history nostalgia and bonding but unfortunately I had out grown the relationships and their assessments of who they thought I was and how they thought they could still treat me. I am actually relived I don't feel obliged to be around them just because they are "old friends" and we had some "good times" I would dread and second guess my decisions to see them constantly. With one I was truly able the last time I saw her disregard the un nessesary guilt and concern I used to have from her control and judgement about me and have a good time at her party and do what I wanted instead of what she wanted me to do when she would treat me like trash regardless.

Confronted my sister somewhat about her mistreatment of me after not speaking to her for two years as well. I didn't expect or get a response but it didn't matter because I am usually terrified of confronting my sister about anything or second guessing her actions toward me but this time I knew I was justified and could care less either way if she apologized or responded at all.

Took my life and concerns more seriously. Instead of allowing people to minimize what I say or believe.

Confronted my mom and it was very messy and did not have a perfect ending but I am still glad I did after she completely dropped me emotionally and financially In the winter. I expressed rage and anger that I held on to that I could not express to her before and told her and proved her right for the time that I could make it without her until we made up and she apologized and acknowledged a bit of what I went through as a child. This is a HUGE work in process but I am glad I did it and it took a lot of courage for me to do this one as we are normally very close sometimes too close so I start feeling guilty and scared of being honest with her.

Omg wow as I am writting this I am realizing how monumental this list is and this year has been for me in terms of growth self esteem discovery ambitions goals trauma confrontations and endings.

To be continued... I am glad I did this because I was feeling kind of lonely and low before but now I am feeling proud of myself empowered happy and more positive about things...