Nothing. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I was pretty depressed all day yesterday and then when I got my that room, I was told that they probably won’t help with the afterschool program fees and that the people who are in charge of getting you your payment are running behind. I find all of this very unfair. They like to make sure we’re held accountable and doing what we should be doing, but they can take their sweet time getting us money. Well, I have no fucking gas to be going everyday and I still need to buy cat food and cat litter.

I woke up about 3 this morning and just couldn’t get back to sleep because my back hurt and I was just laying there thinking about my life. I seriously can’t do anything about getting a job. I’m still gonna go get my fingerprints done this morning but with that job, they only pay once a month and that’s really a sucky thing. I’m going to at least get the fingerprinting out of the way but I’m not expecting too much from this.

I made a post on Facebook yesterday saying that I was really struggling with some stuff and needed Mom’s to message me. This girl that I went to school with back in the day messaged me. She said that she ended up in a group home because her Dad was a creeper. It’s just so shocking how common this shit is. I felt my heart break because so many women that I know have had this happen to them too.

I’m just trying to figure out where to go from here. I don’t have my kid’s Dad to help at all, never have. My Mom is only able to help contingent on my Dad and his control issues. My brother refuses to help at all because he’s in a position where he doesn’t have to give a fuck. He cares enough to tear me down and make me feel like a piece of shit though.

Again, I can’t make anyone care or help. I’m completely on my own and I just don’t know what to do. I interviewed for a job yesterday where the guy before me got hired with the exact same availability as me and I was told she would text me later and never did. I’m getting more and more defeated every single day. I could barely get out of bed this morning to get my kid ready and to school.

I just wish anyone understood just how deeply I’m affected by having no support system. I don’t even have friends here.

But yeah, the TANF thing is a fucking sick joke. I just don’t get how they only have to help selectively. The lady tells me to go ahead and fill out the application for that after school program but they probably won’t be able to help so that means I don’t have that extra time for working and actually get a job. Then she tells me that they don’t know if or when I’ll see a paycheck and I seriously don’t have the gas to get my kid to and from school and go there everyday.

It’s like everyone wants to make sure I’m as far down as I can possibly be until I fucking break. There’s just not the help for single Mom’s that is needed to climb out of these type of predicaments. I’ve now wasted 3 weeks sitting in that room and I probably won’t even see any money from it. I could have been doing way more in my job search if I would have not been there.

I remember last year when I was on TANF and I’d asked about them paying for me to get certified in first aid and CPR so I could get a job babysitting or working in a daycare and they went on and on for like 30 minutes about how you need to get hired somewhere first and how they don’t know exactly where you even get that done. I tried to explain that there’s only 1 fucking place here to get certified and you have to do it to even be considered for those types of jobs. They still sat there and argued with it so I gave up. I honestly believe that there’s so much they could help with but they don’t want you to succeed because then that’s messing with their paycheck.

It’s like there’s no one to look out for the best interest of me or my child! Everything I try to do just never works out because no one wants me to succeed. I’m just railroaded into being where I’m at because there’s just not the help needed for me to get anywhere. I just think it’s bullshit that I’m always under someone’s control. It must be nice to get to pick and choose what help gets provided and keep people down.

They want to make you believe that TANF is there to actually be a help and be a stepping stone but it’s no where near the help that you require to get on your feet. After them not willing to help with my certification and the latest of not helping with the after school program, there’s no point in being there. Then I’m told they don’t know when if or when I’ll see a paycheck, that was the last straw. I can’t afford the gas to get my daughter to school and home plus being there everyday where I did everything that was asked of me and I was accountable just to hear that I may not even see a dime?!

TANF isn’t the help that you need and I will never sign on for it again. I knew even this time I wasn’t going to get anywhere but I really thought that it might help a little. This time around, they won’t help with gas vouchers and insurance either. I firmly believe that they just want to keep people down so they secure their own paycheck. They aren’t looking out for you or your offspring, they are just looking out for themselves. I also get tired of how bitchy they are. I get tired of being uncomfortable asking if I can leave because I have things that I need to get done. Like even yesterday, I had to ask if I could go because I had to turn in something where I met with rudeness.

I remember the last time I was there and one of the caseworkers talking about people just sitting there stale. Okay but are they just sitting there stale or they’re just not getting what help they need in order to be able to get gainful employment. I don’t think they really look at this from the right angle. It’s like welfare. Are you just using the system or are you stuck in it?!

It’s absolutely mind blowing to me that this is my situation. I am at a loss of what to do. I’m so angry that everyone has to be the way they are. My Mom hasn’t ever been much of a Grandma to my daughter and hasn’t ever been around so I question the motives behind her agreeing to babysit 4-5 nights a week. I just won’t sign up for it because I would just end up pissed off, broke, and hungry. She isn’t offering to be a help, a support, or spend time with my daughter. She wants to just use the fuck outta me like before.

My parents have this thing where you can help them, completely empty your bank account but then if you need them, you have to completely succumb to being at their mercy. My Dad is only open to her babysitting contingent upon how much control he’s going to have in it. I just know that if I wasn’t giving them the money they expected EVERY SINGLE DAY and I made sure he knew he wasn’t to be around my daughter, she wouldn’t babysit.

I’m so sick of his control issues that I could puke. I just don’t get how if I want ANYTHING to do with my Mom, he has to be fully in control of the contact. I also don’t want to worry about him hanging out around my daughter the whole time. He’s been told by my Mom several times he’s not to be around but still pushes that line. I know if he was around my kid and I said something they would just have the ‘oh well’ attitude. No, it’s not just an oh well thing. This is to keep my child safe and for my peace of mind!

I don’t like when I set down boundaries and they aren’t being respected. I tend to get very angry. This is my child and I’m going to set the rules. My friend says that I basically need to forget what he’s done to me but when I see him doing or saying things to my child that I feel is making her uncomfortable, I’m not going to just turn a blind eye to it. He thinks that if I’m getting along with him that it’s okay to be around my child. No, it’s called I’m being civil and adult! I think it’s bullshit that we are just to forget what happened in our childhood and just hope he doesn’t do it to my child?! I also find it funny that he’s never tried this crap with my brother or his kid!

Seriously, I just feel like I’m in a living nightmare and there’s no way out. I don’t trust family with my daughter so there’s no way I’m going to trust complete strangers with her either. I would go broke either paying my Mom and feeding her or paying some jackhole to watch her to the point where it wouldn’t help us at all.

Predators and narcs are always going to find a way to do what they do. No matter how much you limit access, set boundaries, and keep your distance.

I just feel like it’s a joke that my relationship with my Mother is only contingent with how much control he gets to have. It’s been like this my whole life and I feel it on a deeper level now that I have a child. I think it’s sickening that she’s spent her whole life rationalizing or minimizing his behavior that she finds it easier to just pretend that he’s not the monster everyone says he is. Even when he had a job, there was allegation made by women that didn’t have any reason to say things because they didn’t even know him. It’s crazy that she never gets sick of this to the point of not wanting to deal with it anymore.

I also feel like they just want to manipulate me by ignoring my boundaries and just hope that I eventually just get tired of bringing it up and decide to just deal with it. I won’t though. This is my child and I’m not going to let the same shit happen to her that happened to me. I see videos everyday on TT about women that were raped and molested as children and the person responsible never got in trouble for it.