New plan. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I got myself a shower, got breakfast and my daughter off to school. I sat in that room again today but left early so I could get an application for an after school program here. I am to fill it out and then call them to arrange to do the enrollment interview. It’s not free by any means, but it sounds like I could probably get help paying for it.

I was very upset all day because I just feel so trapped. Even though my Mom agreed to babysit, it never works out and I don’t want to set myself up for a dumpster fire. My parents have done NOTHING but use me my entire life and the only reason my Mom offers to babysit is to get whatever she can. She herself isn’t a greedy person but my Dad is and would make sure that I do nothing but give them fucking money.

Evenings and weekends are just not going to happen because my brother would maybe help once or twice a month and then the rest of the time I would be fully reliant on her and that’s not a good thing. Whenever I have anything to do with my parents, they have expensive expectations and I would still constantly struggle to pay my bills because I would end up giving them so much money that it wouldn’t help my daughter and myself for her to be babysitting. My Mom also doesn’t really have the attention span for it and I can guarantee within a couple of days, it would already be very stressful. I know that I wouldn’t have a sitter after even the first week.

My Mom has never cared about my daughter the way a Grandma should and she’s proven that plenty of times. My parents have always been really good at ‘helping’ in a time of need but it’s more for their benefit than it ever is mine. I just don’t want to think that I’m going to be able to pay my bills with ease and be able to start saving for a car and then I’m in a worse financial predicament then I already am.

I was diligently applying for jobs today and have an interview in the morning. It’s not really at a place I want to work and I’d have to be on my feet the whole time but I have to at least try. I desperately need to find something within school hours so that I have less reason to EVER rely on anyone because it’s always been an issue regardless of money. I have to at least give it a chance and see if I can physically handle it.

So tomorrow I don’t have to be at my program until about 11:30 so I’m going to get my shower, drink coffee and then do the interview at 9:30 and then probably just hang out until I have to be there. I’m happy because I get to skip the nutrition class. I am still planning on doing my fingerprinting on Wednesday morning for the other job though just in case. I have plenty of irons in the fire, it’s just a matter of figuring out which one is going to be doable and the schedule working out for me.

I’m very angry at the position I’m in. It’s just unbelievably unfair but I’m going to just keep playing the cards I’ve been dealt and try to make the best of it. I’m absolutely furious that I can’t take the job I wanted because of childcare issues but everything happens for a reason.

I just wish my parents weren’t like this. I wish my Mom had enough brain cells to stand up to him but she doesn’t. I remember after she went home a couple of years ago, she pretty much stopped babysitting right away and then kept saying how I was just ‘using’ her so I know he was behind that. I ended up having to put up with her eating all of our food or wasting it and giving her gas money and cigarettes. It was just so expensive trying to have a sitter to make money for my daughter and I that it seriously just wasn’t worth it.

Over the weekend, I spent time thinking about just making sure that there isn’t a lot of food in my house to prevent her from eating it but she still would. She’d make sure there’s nothing left so I wouldn’t even be able to have breakfast in the morning. I’m just not going to deal with having no say in my own home and going broke paying her to watch my kid. I’ve lived that life before and I refuse to do it again.

She text to ask if that place ever called and they didn’t. I don’t know if or when I will and I don’t plan to take the job anyways. I can’t go back to having no say over anything and not being allowed boundaries. I’m really worried that my Dad would dump her off and then just wait for me to leave because he’s hell bent that he’s going to watch my Mom all the time and try to be weird with my kid. He’s unsafe and has proven it my entire life so I don’t want him around my child. I also know that if I came right out and said that to him he’d make sure my Mom didn’t babysit anyway!!

I just don’t like how if I want a relationship with my Mom that I have to put up with him and I’m not allowed to have ANY boundaries whatsoever. That’s how it’s been my whole life. Even though my Mom has told him I don’t want him around my kid, he still does what he can to not respect that. Even hanging out with them on Saturday, I was watching the way he looks at my child and I just get super uncomfortable so again, I’m going to just find a job within school hours because then I don’t have to worry about anything.

So I’m happy that tomorrow I don’t have to be there right away in the morning and will be able to actually get woke up and do some stuff. I’ll probably fill out that application while I’m there and then call to see when I can set up the interview. I’m tired of that place and how boring it is. It’s honestly really good motivation to get the hell out of there. I don’t know how people just sit in there but I am ready to go.

I message my friend about all this and she says it would be easier to just pay someone the $15 or $20 an hour to a babysitter but I wouldn’t be making that to even consider it. I don’t understand how people think. I don’t want to work just to be paying for childcare and not even be able to cover my rent. I need money for my other bills and household things. It wouldn’t be worth it to give almost everything I make to a babysitter. I can’t pay someone more than what I’m even making! That doesn’t make sense!

Omg, I feel like my head is going to explode. I just wish there was ever even 1 fucking person to actually help me figure shit out. I would never advise a friend to pay a babysitter more than what they are making. How would my daughter and I make it? Like we still need a place to live, clothing, household items and I have to pay for my cell phone, car insurance, student loans, and internet! I can’t just give almost everything I make to someone else unless I want us to live out on the street!

I’ve never had anyone to rely on and I’m not about to start. Even if I found someone to watch my kid, there’s no promise they would follow through and be reliable. Everyone will agree to do it and then they don’t and I’m back to the drawing board anyways. I’m just worried I’d take that job and within 2 weeks, I’m unable to keep going because there’s no reliable, safe babysitter!!

It’s like with my Dad, he doesn’t want my Mom to babysit to begin with and if I wasn’t paying her what he felt I should be, he would make sure she didn’t come again. I know the first time I told him to his face I don’t want him around my kid, she wouldn’t be babysitting! She’s told him that I don’t want him around my kid but he likes to pretend to ‘forget’ or act like nothing was ever said to begin with. I’m not going to be gaslit into just putting up with whatever so I’m able to have a job. I just don’t want her over here plowing through our food and then having her ask me to buy them groceries to boot. It’s happened before and it’s just too emotionally and financially taxing for her to watch my kid.

All of this really sucks. Yeah, my Dad is toxic and a creeper but my Mom is her own toxic because all she’s ever known is to be a mooch because all he’s ever done is mooch off her so she has to turn around and do it to everyone else. Food is just too fucking expensive and I don’t want to have to feed her. I remember when she babysit before, she’d go through $75 worth of groceries in the matter of a weekend. I was so angry that I couldn’t see straight. She’d go through my daughter’s drinks and snacks and not even offer the stuff to the kids. She’d waste my soda and have 7 or 8 open cans in the fridge that would go to waste. I remember her going through probably $400 worth of my iced Starbucks coffee. The kids went into the bathroom and dumped out a bunch of my hair products and contact solution and I said something to her and got hung up on!

Ya can’t say anything to them no matter how you word things or how nice you are. They can’t handle any degree of criticism whatsoever. The second I’d say something to her, she’d storm out and I wouldn’t hear from her for months until I apologized. I was so fucking sick of being manipulated into believing that I was in the wrong because I was sick of her taking from myself and my daughter! They are really good at trying to condition you into being okay with a bunch of shit that you shouldn’t have to be okay with. I grew up where we NEVER had food in the house and I’ll be damned if my kid grows up the same fucking way!

The problem is they don’t care if they are taking from me and definitely don’t care if they take from my child who already doesn’t have a Dad and he doesn’t contribute financially! They just don’t care who they are taking from as long as they get what they want. I remember back when I moved out and I was stuck giving them money EVERY FUCKING DAY and when I finally told them after 6 months that I was done, she called me every name in the book and I didn’t hear from them for about a year. All they do is use and abuse. They are professional moocher and that’s never going to change. The only reason my Dad is semi good with her babysitting is because he remembers how much they’ve gotten off me before.

My Mom isn’t trying to help so she can spend time with my daughter and actually be there for me, it’s just a opening for the mooching. These people have done this crap my whole life. They aren’t a help in a healthy way.

I think over the weekend and today it was good for me to really sit down and consider everything that’s already happened and know that it would happen again. I don’t want to be stuck in a position where I’m forced to have a relationship with anyone, especially people that have done so much to help keep me down. I think about all those years I gave them money and how different our lives would be now had I not done that.