I give up. in Since OD is shutting down....

She left a voicemail before I got my kid from school saying that they never received the form stating I would cooperate with CS. I remember mailing it last week and putting it in the mailbox. I think it’s just another excuse for me to not see payment. I have never had an issue with anyone not getting mail from me until this. I don’t believe this crap whatsoever. I don’t think they ever intended to give me a payment and it makes me wonder how much longer I would have to sit in that room before it came to light that I’m never getting it. I never even got a letter stating what the amount would be or when.

I honestly believe that there’s a lot of people that don’t like me that have gone out of their way to make sure that I never come out of this. I would also like to talk to other women who’ve been in this program and ask them just how long they went along with this shit show before they came to the realization that they aren’t going to help you deal with your barriers so you can have gainful employment. It’s nothing more than a waste of time and energy. You are better off just figuring it out and getting a job.

It’s been another pretty stressful day with my daughter. I’m getting really sick of her attitude and how she goes out of her way to piss me off. I give her everything she wants and she still acts like she doesn’t have a clue on how to behave. I told her tonight that I’m going to start spanking her when she calls me a stupid bitch and flicks me in the face. I can’t take it anymore. She had a rough day at school and when I asked her about it, she just started screaming. I told her she wasn’t in trouble, I was just trying to find out what happened. Like I can’t even have a conversation with her!

I’m just so done with everything. I’m depressed because I know I’m going to wake up in the morning and feel the exact same way I do right now. I didn’t even eat dinner because my daughter makes it miserable. I go to bed hungry a lot of nights simply because it’s easier than trying to sit down and eat. She’s always had this issue about me eating or watching tv and I’m fucking sick of it.

I just don’t know how much longer I’m going to make it with no help. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind. This deal where no one even bothers to reach out and ask me how I’m doing really irks me too.

But yeah, I’m not going back to TANF and I don’t even care if I see any money. I just want that shit out of my life and will never try it again. They aren’t there to help! I was told yesterday that they probably can’t help with the after school program and I can’t find a job just within school hours so if she was able to go somewhere after school for even a couple of hours, I know I would be able to find a job. Then, she said they don’t know if or when I’ll see payment and it’s like okay well I can’t even afford the gas to come here everyday!! Where the fuck do they think I can have extra gas?! I don’t have a fucking job!

I can honestly say I’ve never felt lower than I do now. I just can’t shake this depressed, defeated feeling anymore. I just wander around feeling like I’m just struggling to make it until bedtime. I don’t enjoy anything anymore, nothing to look forward to and it’s like there’s nothing to be happy about. My friend tells me that we have a home, a car, and we have food so there’s plenty to be positive about but I want to be able to do better for us. I’m always going to want that but I probably will be stuck like this until my kid is old enough to be home alone.