Shhh in 2023

I turned the radio off a little while ago. It’s quiet. I was afraid of the silence at first but now it feels like I have a moment to just stop .. stop everything. Stop thinking. Stop hurting. Stop crying. Stop wondering. Stop breathing ..

Idk if I can get everything out, why has writing become difficult now too?

The abhorrent cow who’s husband SA’d my (at the time) 16y/o daughter ran her mouth to her coworkers about the entire situation & my family, and then one of the coworkers ended up being a new coworker of my daughter’s at her 2nd job and the whole thing came up. Nice way to meet people at your second job when one of them says, “Oh you’re that (insert name here)! I heard all about what happened from dingle berry cow.”

My daughter’s name isn’t even in the court documents (just her initials) to protect her identity because she was a fucking minor (she’s almost 19 now) at the time and this bitch is slapping her gums about the trauma my girl suffered to strangers?! Oh hell no.

I went off in her DMs. She fell all over herself apologizing - I reminded her that I had warned her about crossing me (again) when I was out west for Em’s grad last year and all this was brought to my attention, finally, a full year after it had happened because gutter whore wanted to protect her family rather than mine from her pedophile husband.

I told her that her husband wasn’t the only one going down for this and to save her excuses for court.

That bitch.

Moving on.

A couple years ago, shortly after I moved here, everytime I would look in the mirror in the bathroom (brush teeth, glance while washing hands, etc) the song “My Boyfriend’s Back” would start repeating in my head. Like, the 1960’s song, “my boyfriend’s back and you’re gonna be in trouble, hey nah hey nah, my boyfriend’s back…”

It got to the point that I started researching my apartment building - because it’s so old - to see if anyone had passed away here (believe me, the irony is NOT fucking lost on me) and when it was built and just anything to explain this stupid song in my head whenever I looked in the mirror - not when I was just “in” the bathroom - shower, poopin, etc. but specifically if I looked in the mirror. I found nothing.

Never experienced anything ghosty or spiritual or weird or anything like that here - despite desperately hoping to since Babes passed.

The frequency stopped finally a while ago, and nothing would play in my head when I looked in the mirror. I don’t remember exactly when, but it would only happen now and then.

So today, twice after washing hands, I glance in mirror, and Smash Mouth “All Star” starts going off in my head. Whoa flashbacks to high school, but I was like, are you fucking kidding me?! That guy just died like a week ago!! So I got spooked and looked up who sang “My Boyfriend’s Back” … some girl group, had that hit and a few others, nobody super famous imo BUT

One of the original members passed away in July 2021 .... which is right around when the song started in my head in the mirror.

What the fuck is wrong with me? My best friend thinks my grief somehow opened my third eye but this started almost 2 years before Babes died and despite me trying everything to connect with him these last months, nothing has worked so … am I just finally going actual crazy?

I’m still so tormented. I still see his face, that morning. I still feel his cold cheek against the palm of my hand when I touched him in his casket a week later. I remember the sound the plastic under his body made when I tried to wrap my arms around his chest. I couldn’t fit in the casket with him, and it wiggled on the wheeled stand when I tried to pull him into me. He didn’t smell right when I laid my head on his crossed hands against his chest. He didn’t smell right, he didn’t smell like him. He didn’t feel like him. He didn’t look like him.

Sometimes I open his memorial cabinet and take out his bottle of cologne. I hold it for a really long time .. sometimes I can’t make myself take the cap off to smell it, but sometimes I can.

I don’t belong here anymore. I don’t belong anywhere.