Memories. in Since OD is shutting down....

We’ve gotten breakfast and groceries. I’ve done dishes twice, made lunch, cleaned up the house and put laundry away.

I’m definitely ready to have tomorrow morning over with. I’m really hoping tomorrow is going to be my last early morning. I just hate having to race around right away when I’m not awake yet and it’s all to go sit in a room and be bored. I’ve gotten almost everything done that I needed to.

My biggest concern is things not working out with my Mom babysitting. There’s no other alternative so if this doesn’t work, it’s going to be a lot of crap for me to deal with. I am very concerned but trying to just stay as positive as I can.

I wish that it was easier to obtain reliable, affordable childcare. People love to make you feel like your child is just a paycheck and that’s what makes this so hard. I remember the issues I had when I went back to work from maternity leave and it’s always been hell relying on other people. No one tells you that it’s going to be like this when you have children. If you don’t have an actual support system, you are going to end up with a lot more shit than you can fucking handle.

I’ve always felt like people have just used and taken advantage of my situation. It makes me angry that her ‘Dad’ has never been around to help, even a little bit and I’ve had to go through more shit than I ever should have. I remember when I had this one girl babysit and she tells me a couple of days in at the busiest time of my shift that she couldn’t do it anymore. I went and got my kid after work and made sure she knew when I was going to pay her and the next thing I knew, she had created a fuck ton of drama for me. She called my work and had some girl texting me threatening me with CPs and to fight me. Like people here are fucking nuts.

I just really hope that this works out with my Mom, at least for awhile so I can get used to being active again so then if it doesn’t work out for my Mom to watch her, it’s easier for me to get into a different job. I just want to be able to work, pay my own way, and plan for a decent tax return. I have to plan on buying another car at some point and I also don’t want to be or feel stuck anymore.

My Dad said yesterday he’s okay with dumping her off and then picking her up when I get home. I think he understands that he’s not going to be here while I’m at work. We’ll just see how long this shit lasts because neither him or my little brother have ever been into my Mom being away from them and it’s definitely something to stress about. They act like they understand that I have physical limitations which makes it next to impossible to have a job where I’m on my feet the whole time so it’s basically just wait and see how things go.

I’m excited to know that I’ll get approved tomorrow and should see money by Wednesday. I’ve burned through a lot of money over the Summer and I’d like a good chunk to replace at least some of it. I’m wondering if I’ll get the stipend too. I am just so ready to have the money to fill my gas tank, buy household items.

I’m honestly hoping my brother will help with my kid some as well. I’m just ready to start working. Get trained, know what I’m doing and hopefully meet some cool people. I’m not thrilled about having to wear a uniform but I’ll be making cash daily and be able to move around so physically I won’t be fucking miserable.

It’s been really nice not having to rely on anyone to help with my kid but I don’t like sitting around not making my own money. I’m just so angry that my family has had a free pass for so long that it made things easier for them but harder on my daughter and myself. I haven’t liked this situation for quite some time because everyone has refused to help but hopefully now it’s going to get better.

Then, I have messaged a couple of people in regards to babysitting and what a fucking joke that is. I find it absolutely insane that people sit and home with their own kids everyday but want astronomical amounts of money to babysit other kids! When kids are together and playing, you don’t have to do much! I think people are just greedy and want to take advantage of your desperation! There’s always the same girl commenting when people need babysitters and she lives like 30 minutes from the town we’re at! Nobody wants to do that much driving before getting to work, be that far from their kids, and the price of gas is no fucking joke!!!

All I know is I want to be able to afford to eat healthier things and start making my weight loss journey a priority. I have definitely lost some weight but it’s not coming off as fast as I’d like it to. I want to be able to buy more salads and fruit. I get tired of buying whatever just so that we have food. I also want to start saving for another car and be buying new clothes. Most of the clothes I have are worn out and need to be replaced. I would also like to own more than 2 pairs of shoes and be able to afford contacts again.

It’s really cold outside today. I’ve been just cleaning and drinking coffee. Little one is going to get her bath after awhile and start getting ready for bed. It’s going to be pretty cool all week so I plan to put her in pants and regular shoes. I’m honestly glad for the cool weather because Summer takes me out. I get so tired of being hot, sweaty, and uncomfortable.

I never did hear back from the girlfriend and I’m good with it. Everyone needs to remember all this so when he wants to see her again in 6 months, it’s probably going to go a lot different. If everything my daughter told me is true, there’s no need for her to go again. I plan to let them know we can meet up at a park but they will not be seeing my daughter again unless I’m present. I didn’t have any reason to trust her and now what trust I tried to have is now gone. After hearing about her giving my daughter gummies before bed, that was it for me.

If anyone thinks it’s normal or healthy for him to see her once or twice a year needs to have their fucking heads examined. I also don’t want to feel like I’m trading my peace for him to have involvement with her. I’m also sick of feeling fortunate that I’m getting my child back in one piece and I also don’t feel that I should have to pack her a bag for her to see him. There’s just a lot of bullshit in this situation and I just feel until he starts getting his life together and be in a better place to be a parent then we need to just leave it be.

All I’ve ever wanted is for him to be a Dad but anytime there’s contact with him I am always regretting it. I shouldn’t have to feel like if I allow visitation then I have to put my sanity, happiness, and mental wellbeing up on a shelf. I understand that a child needs their Dad but they also need someone that’s in a good headspace for it too. He’s obviously not when he’s asking my daughter if I’m single.

I’m just focused on getting myself back on track and being in a really good place financially. I think once I’m doing well at my job, making money that it’s going to make me feel better about everything in general.

There’s a lot of anger and guilt that I’ve carried around worrying about her Dad and his choices. I can’t do it anymore. You can only sit in your anger for so long. I can’t control him and I also don’t want to worry about him anymore either. I honestly believe that it’s so much better for my daughter that he’s absent because his presence is more damaging. I always feel that his presence is just inviting in the demons.

I used to believe that if he was doing what he should be to be a parent and be as present in her life as he could, things would finally end up in a good place. It’s never a long term thing and the only reason why he’s seen her in the past few months is because someone else is paying for it and has a car. I know he’ll never go to the courts because he has to rely on someone to take care of everything for him. I’m just tired of trying to be as reasonable as I can and I just get shit on. We all know that it’s never going to get better and I just don’t think it’s fair to keep putting my child through this.

She hasn’t even mentioned wanting to talk to him. I think she’s just so used to all of this that it’s not a big deal. She shouldn’t have to be used to this at all but I’d rather she not care than be in a bad place mentally too. I don’t want her missing someone that seriously doesn’t care anyways. He never did and never will. I know he says plenty to the people around him but he’d rather talk about it than make effort to change it. Being the victim is easier and gets him more attention.

It’s like he doesn’t have to pay CS and I don’t have to allow visitation. I don’t ever feel good allowing it because it always ends up like this. I’m tired of going out of my way to be decent when he just takes advantage. It’s like he wants to be around just enough in hopes that she’s going to care later but she doesn’t. He fails to understand that we have both learned to live without him! We are so adjusted to it that he’s presence is just a fucking headache. It’s disruptive and provides chaos.

I’m sorry that I EVER let him come around but I’m going to think long and hard before it were to happen again. My daughter has only ever known him as the fun visitor. She’ll never see him as her Dad and it’s probably better for her. He’s a really crazy, selfish, broken person and until he gets help and heals, I just don’t think he needs to be around my child.