Be Serious in Hello

I day drank yesterday and spent the rest of the evening sleeping. It’s 3:44 AM and I feel like absolute shit. My chest feels like there is a weight on it, blood pressure is definitely up and I’m a bit shaky.

When I finally peel myself off the couch I’m dumping out the rest of the booze. I am so fucking sick of this. I hate myself when I drink. I haven’t done any exercise or walks in almost two weeks. I have done nothing but been a miserable lump of shit with no motivation.

Today that changes. Actually maybe tomorrow…I need to get over this hangover first.

A while later…

I’ve been depressed and I don’t know why. That’s part of the reason I started my walks, to get into a better frame of mind. I’ve been thinking about death lately. Mom isn’t getting any younger and neither am I. What will I do when she’s gone? That thought scares the shit out of me. I’ve never been on my own before. Pathetic, I know. At 40 years old and here I am. A man child.

I know I’ve got a lot of bad wiring in my head that has made most of life a bit challenging for me but that is no excuse. Also been thinking about returning to work but what do I want to do? I’m burned out on machining what with every place I’ve been to seems worse than the last place. That takes it’s toll on you.

I’m in my head way too much tonight.

Last updated September 12, 2023