Get a Grip in Current Events

After I wrote my entry yesterday, my anxiety hit me pretty hard again. I don’t experience that fear and panic anymore so it took me a while to clue in. I was just feeling flustered at the grocery store because of my allergy to people. While I was standing in line to pay, the women in front of me were doing that thing where they don’t bag their groceries as they get scanned. They let them stockpile while they watch every single item scan like they’re not going to read the receipt before they leave the line anyway. I noticed that my heart was beating so hard it felt like it wanted to break my chest. My hands were shaky and I was feeling flushed. I was like, great! I’m having an anxiety attack. [No women were harmed in that line by my scolding stare]

So while I’m in fight or flight for no reason, I have a lot of energy. I should have gone for a run but I decided to clean up the kitchen and make my freak of nature vegan lasagna. I poured myself a little bit of whiskey to relax my nerves. This goes against my drinking rules but whatever. The lasagna turned out nice. My roommate got excited when she saw what I was making. We also watched that live adaptation of The Little Mermaid. I didn’t hate it.

I have to intellectualize this, of course. Why do I have such bad anxiety? Everything is going great. Work is going great. My checks are finally good. My relationship with my roommate is going great. I start school on Tuesday. I’m right where I should be. However, the last time everything was coming together, the lockdowns happened. Here we are building that narrative again. I’m not paying close attention to either of the narratives. The controlled narrative or the controlled counter-narrative. However, the writing is on the wall. Agenda 2030 is still in effect. It’s not something I can control but there are things that I can control so I should focus on my projects.

When spirit says go left, go left. I need to listen and focus on my work.

I reached out to Leanne to ask her about what to buy from a cannabis shop to help me relax. I don’t want to get high. Also, it feels like the universe is telling me to try shrooms. I don’t like being high. I like to be in control. On our yurting trip in October, Ange wants me to microdose with her. The following weekend I am going with Bruce and her gang to a cabin. Vikki wants to do shrooms for a mental and spiritual cleanse. That is another opportunity. I would need a good trip sitter. I’m more ayahuasca-curious than shroom-curious, tbh. I can’t even handle weed or big stoners.

I can have deep conversations with Vikki and I am looking forward to that much. She is the only Virgo in my world. Virgo is overpowered but they don’t know what to do with that big brain energy. They usually try to drown it out with drugs and/or work. They can’t master their minds but they can master their crafts. My Moon is in the 6H, I have some Virgo energy in me. Said Moon is in Scorpio. My Mercury is in Capricorn in the 8H. My Capricorn Sun is in the 9H. My Chiron is Gemini. I should have a lot of big brain energy myself. I was talking with Toni, my roommate, last night and I mentioned how I would be put on the spectrum. I could totally see that she said to me. Bitch wasn’t supposed to agree lol. I would also get diagnosed with ADHD. My chart is heavy with Scorpio, I get fixated on things. Hyperfixated if I’m not mindful.

These birth charts are basically skill trees. Just settings and what we do with them is our choice.

I slept in later than I wanted to today. I did wake up at 3:30 a.m. but I decided to go back to bed. I wanted to go to the gym for 5 but I suppose 8 won’t make a big difference.

I am going to work on my projects today. Blah. First I am going to drink my mushroom coffee and then go to the gym where I will make an ass of myself while trying to figure out how to use the machines. Whatever. I feel like once I put on my hat and headphones everyone else will disappear. I will disappear. The way I would disappear when I went into the middle of the dancefloor at a club.

Anyway, on with it then.