2 Months in 2014

It's been just under two months since I wrote much of value here. Discounting the teaser earlier today. Even that wasn't much. It was more just an expression of a lot of feelings, but not a great deal of content.
Back to the 80's was a nightmare. The director was bad. I knew nobody in the cast (other than Amber) until Dean finally started attending rehearsals. Several weeks late. I was busy, and life was miserable. The conversation with Amber changed a lot.
Prior to that, I'd been on the right track, but I hadn't been able to find much happiness or enjoyment in anything while on it. There was a certain kind of satisfaction that came from doing what needed to be done, but the life was very much: "Focus on your body. Ignore all else." Really, that was what I needed. I still believe in my initial belief: Body first. There's no point in fixing much if my underlying insecurity is still there, whatever issues I find in the meantime notwithstanding. Focusing on the body, and focusing on misery at The Starlight didn't do much for my mood. There was no happiness and nothing that really made me happy. I'm pretty sure I was lousy company, but I slogged on. It's something that I'm rather happy to not be proud of. It's a thing that now seems to small a thing to take pride in. It was what needed to be done. It was difficult, and awful, and took time, and took energy, and was something I'd never really managed before. But, looking back, it doesn't seem like a big deal, because it's just what had to happen. I had to slog through. No heroism or drama. Just grinding away. At any rate, beneficial though this was, you can see how it wasn't really a kind of life to bring a great deal of enjoyment. There was no hope. There was no happiness. Life was an endless trek through a pathless swamp. Every step hurt, and I didn't know if there'd be anything on the other side.
Amber was on the other side. But, not in the way that girls have been before. But we'll get back to that.
I told her, in our conversation July 1st, that I would not pursue any woman until September 1st. I decided that the ensuing two months would be spent in active pursuit. To that end, I've lost sleep, broken my diet (though not horribly), spent far too much time, and far FAR too much money; but, I'm glad I did it. Two nights ago, we cuddled for hours in a car. Though she'll never admit it (especially not to herself) she wanted me to kiss her. When you pull someone's head in so their lips are gently brushing yours, it's pretty obvious what it means (though she denies this). Last night, she told me that she and I aren't ready. No matter what her feelings, no matter her attraction, no matter anything: she's not ready. She's got some serious issues in her life at the moment, and she doesn't feel ready to destabilize her life to be with me, historically one of the least stable people that she can tolerate.
It hurt. Obviously. But not that much.
In the garden where I work as a gardener, I used to listen to music, or audio books. Now, mostly, I think. And I realize that, you know what? She's right. It's a conclusion that I was generally sure she'd come to, and, really, it's something that's for the best. She's still got 9 days, and I told her I'm abiding by my word (though she says this is stupid and meaningless and artificial). To me, this is important because it's something I said I'd do. I'm sticking to it.
Really, honestly, though I'm sad, though this hurts, though I didn't get what I wanted, I'm really happy at just being free and having this freedom. I've still got feelings for her, obviously. I still care for her, obviously. September 1st isn't going to be a change in feeling, merely in priorities.
Cracked had an article by David Wong that really REALLY moved me recently. It's something that, on some level, I suppose we all know, but, to see it said explicitly has been mind altering. Here's a quote:
"This is why the "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME AND GO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE, MAGGOT!" method doesn't work -- you're fooling yourself if you think you can find a bunch of extra time by drawing from a pool of hours you're "wasting" right now. It doesn't exist. Instead, you have to make the cold calculation that you're going to do this instead of that."
( http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-youre-sabotaging-your-own-life-without-knowing-it/#ixzz3B9mXwXXE )
That's what I'm excited about. I have all of this time now to focus more on other things that matter, and they're things I want to do and am excited about doing. That's what makes this the nicest rejection I've ever had.
There's more to say, and I'll try to do so later. I just wanted to get at least this much out.