Suicidal but rational,RIP Dad, I try in Just Life

I went for a few days without Zoloft because I lost my medication in my car. I woke up today with the overwhelming urge to swallow all my muscle relaxers and end it all. I didn’t do it because I knew once I start taking Zoloft again I will quit feeling the urge to hurt myself. I also know better days are coming I just need to keep trying. I will not allow a temporary problem end my life just because my brain for a moment isn’t rational.

I woke up during the night with a muscle spasms in my leg. I know now it is because of my fibromyalgia I get leg spasms. The doctor gave me muscle relaxers to help my muscles relax so I can sleep at night. I am in nerve pain 24/7 over my entire body. They have no idea what caused my fibromyalgia. I normally sleep about 3 hours a night.

I was sleeping last night to hear screams. It sounded like Cinder the kitten was being tortured come to find out Talan was giving the kitten a flea bath. Mama Turtle and her bf Ash was upset. Turtle and Ash was biting Talan and scratching him. Turtle was trying to help Cinder escape the evil water. Ziggy was screaming at my husband demanding Talan to let Cinder go. Harley just ignored the kitten. She didn’t care as long as she wasn’t the one in the bath. I got woke up by my 6 cats having a mental breakdown. My husband was getting bullied by the adult cats to leave the kitten alone.

I wanted to call in so bad and just sleep in. I named my bills and forced myself to go in.. good think I did. Labor Day made it time and a half. Instead $10.50 an hour I happy got $15 an hour to serve breakfast and clean up. I took my time cleaning up taking advantage of my temporary time and a half.

I was so busy. I couldn’t cook food fast enough. I got so frustrated Misty and Jessie helped me out. By the end of breakfast a woman threatened to put her grandson in time out. Frazzled I almost asked if she was put me in time out too? I am exhausted. I need a mini vacation.

I unloaded the truck,put up food,clean the kitchen,dishes and lobby. I was so exhausted and I thought I really hope I don’t get criticism over something trivial.

I came home. Took a nap went to mom’s fed her pets,walked her dogs and bagged 3 bags of trash in her house. I watched a TikTok video a guy showing what a supportive and loving father sounds like. It reminds me of my dad who died in 2018. I bawled in the living room rocking back and forth. I looked at box cutters temped again to end it all by slicing my throat. I instead put the box cutter in my toolbox. I reminded myself I am cleaning up the hoarder house to stArt a life not end it..I told myself quit being a dumbass.

I looked around at Gabriel Brothers tempted by Halloween items. Halloween is my favorite holiday. Someday I will celebrate Halloween if a miracle like a child happens