Void in 2023

Yesterday the tears rolled silently down my cheeks all day.

Today they come in gasping waves.

Wave upon wave of sobs, crying out for you to come back. Over and over. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Wake up wake up from this nightmare. How is this still real?

Your Dad came by last night and pressed some cash into my hand. He said he knew I wouldn’t tell him if I needed help, so this way I have no choice but to take it. That means I can buy some groceries since my pension tomorrow is entirely rent, and my wee disability payment the next day is all bills.

Dee has been spending 90% of his time with his gf and her family which, as much as I don’t like/trust his girlfriend, her family is amazing and they’ve truly been so incredible including Dee in everything all summer. He’s been to Wonderland a couple times, camping, hanging out in TO just bumming around being a teenager. It’s been so good for him, keeping him busy.

He’s over at her grandparents with her right now and just messaged me that they want to get some groceries for us because Dee had mentioned we might be moving because I can’t hang on here by myself. I’ve been feeling so guilty that he’s been over there so much and they’ve been feeding him as it is, and now they want to help more.

I’m not good at this. I’m not good at asking for or accepting help, even drowning as I am. I hate feeling like I owe people. I will give and give and give of myself, never expecting anything in return, but I can’t comprehend that anyone else maybe wants to do the same? Pride is ruthless.

God I wish I could stop crying. My eyes are swollen and sore. The house is a fucking pigpen. I knew this would happen. I just wasn’t expecting it to last so long this time.