What if I just *accepted myself*? in Each Day

This is a question my psychologist suggested I ponder. That was two weeks ago. I’ve thought about the task, but I keep getting stuck. Part of it is an excuse - but I want to change! But I believe the point of accepting yourself as you are doesn’t preclude you from growing and changing. I just saw a quote by Carl Rogers, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.”

So what if I did accept myself, just as I am, today?
I would accept my body. A while ago I posted on FB, “Everyone talks about body-love. Here I am only managing body ambivalence…” I don’t hate my body. In fact I’m mostly proud of my body. I know what it’s done, what it’s been through, what it’s achieved.
If it weren’t for that asshole in my head that spits vitriol when I’m already feeling low, I think I’d be well on my way to accepting my body.
I would accept my mind. Neurodivergence and all. I know that part of my body’s success is my mind, its determination and perseverance. But there are expectations on me to perform in specific ways that are very difficult because my ADHD has been uncontrolled. All of a sudden the acceptance isn’t just on me, I need others to accept me as I am, too. Not everyone self-discloses. I usually do, but I hate when talking about having ADHD sounds like I’m making an excuse for something.
I feel like I’m very close to accepting my mind, especially since conditions have been improving up there (which basically contravenes the point of this exercise, I think). If I were to be at this capacity for the rest of my life, I could live like this (this was not a statement I could make only a few weeks ago). I’m not interested in being the smartest person in the room anymore. I think the joy of intelligence is in the continued capacity to learn, not the capacity to be correct all the time. I’d rather be known for compassion and flexibility than intelligence.

I don’t know if I’m doing this right. It feels like I’m missing something. Like there’s a disconnect between me and accepted me. Or maybe it’s because I do already accept myself, but I still fight myself and that’s the part I don’t know how to accept. Who wants to accept that a bully lives in their head? I’m trying to eradicate the bully. That would be an acceptable way to live…

Ooof, I see the disconnect now, and it’s something I am constantly bumping up against. Accepting myself intellectually (the facts of my self) is not the same as accepting myself emotionally (the feelings of my self). Well Shit.

Last updated August 23, 2023