Differences in 2023

I’ve lost track of what stage of grief I’m in or should be in or some shit. All the books I’ve read say that grief is different for everyone so I shouldn’t expect it in stages like previously thought, but who frikkin knows.

I’m sad. I’m mad. I still beg & plead for you to come back. I cry every single day. And despite all those emotions, I feel nothing but emptiness. Nothingness. How can that be?

Thanks to the kindness of others, there’s enough food in the house to last us all month, I’m pretty sure. Might have to pick up milk for Dee but other than that .. what a frikkin relief, I can’t even describe the pressure that takes off me.

Dee’s gf’s family even picked up a bag of the girls dog food, which I’m hoping to keep as a spare since I found their big bag on Amazon for way cheaper than in-store and I “subscribed” to monthly deliveries for the 50lb bag. I’m hoping this 1st one I have going will last 3 more weeks until the next delivery, but if not then I have this other smaller bag of exactly their food and I cam adjust the subscription delivery for next month.

I took the girls walkies for coffee this evening. Like how we used to go for evening drives. I sat in the big chairs outside Tim’s and the girls lay at my feet and we people watched for a while.

It was loud and crowded and lonely all at the same time. How does the world keep going?

Laughter & music coming from the patio of the Italian place on the corner. We always meant to have dinner on the patio there, didn’t we?

Teens screeching and laughing as they galavanted down lakeshore.

Old couples strolling in the dusky twilight, leaning in to eachother now & then to speak & listen.

Groups of 5 or 6 motorcycles rumbling together at the red light, their riders laughing and chatting with eachother while stopped.

Oblivious. All of them. Oblivious to how precious these moments are. How quickly they can be snatched away from you.

We walked that same walk together a million times … ordered that same coffee and timbits for the girls … the chairs are new, there used to be benches there, remember?

Maybe I’ll sleep tonight. From the walk and fresh air? From the replacement sleep meds I finally got earlier this week that do put me to sleep but lord they don’t stop the dreams, no sir. Fucked up dreams.

Never of you, though. Why? Why never of you? I asked a Wiccan spiritual friend of mine, why you hadn’t come to me in my dreams since that first night … she said maybe it was because I wasn’t ready to see you, that somehow my spirit wasn’t open the right way to receiving you …

I wish I could believe in something. An after life? Something out there beyond whatever this mess is? I just .. I just can’t.

I miss you. I miss you so achingly much. 151 days. What the fuck.