Sick of it all. in Since OD is shutting down....

We are just hanging out at home. We don’t have anything else to do. It’s not super hot but still uncomfortable. I just feel bad that I don’t have other kids for my daughter to play with. I wish it was easier to make Mom friends.

I know that my family is pretty toxic so I limit my contact with them. My brother is always talking about how he’s so against people getting assistance and he tries to act like he’s not talking about me but since it’s brought every time I’m around him, it starts to make me really mad and uncomfortable. He acts like I’ve never worked when I’ve probably worked even more than he has. I could understand if I’ve never had a job or something but his constant jabs are really getting old and that’s why after yesterday getting the news that my daughter didn’t get a spot in the after school program, I was not about to be around him because he would have just made me feel even worse. I was in no fucking mood for it.

It’s like I’ve been a single Mom for 6 years now and it still bothers me that I make all the decisions for my child on my own. I have never had another person to talk things out and help me with anything. I get that I should just be used to it but there’s times where I still think about how nice it would be to actually have help. I know better than to ever try and have a conversation with her deadbeat sperm donor because he’s abusive and mean but after 6 years I would have thought we could have reached a good place by now. I’m also sick of having to always have another person in the middle to mediate because there’s no communicating with him whatsoever.

I’m going to have to dip into savings because I need cat food, cat litter, laundry soap, gas, and quarters for laundry. I’m running out of money and cringe every time I have to spend anything. I’m really stressed and it would be nice to ever have someone help me figure shit out.

I have since blocked him and his girlfriend on Facebook. They have my number so if they want to communicate, they are free to call or text. I just don’t feel comfortable with them knowing anytime I’m online. I feel that it’s intrusive and I’ve spent months thinking about this. I also would rather him not call to talk to my daughter where he’s still badmouthing me. The guy is contributing anything positive to her life and I don’t feel that I should have to continue being abused, especially through my child and then have to worry how it’s affecting her.

This guy has left me to be a single Mom and doesn’t do anything positive for either one of us and I just don’t think he should get a special right to say negative things to my child on a phone and internet that I pay for. I’m also sick of him never having to own up to anything he does. That’s why I took it personally when the girlfriend didn’t even respond to my text. It’s like oh well, the shit already happened and I don’t even get an explanation for any of it. I feel that he’s just getting to continue to be abusive and toxic. He gets to do this and not care how it’s making OUR child feel.

No matter how much I try and limit my contact with him, he’s always going to find a way to belittle me and keep this situation from ever getting better.

So we went to the store and got some stuff. It’s always nice to get out and do something. Never did take a nap but that’s okay. We have since did dinner and I washed dishes.

I think the next time my brother starts talking about people on welfare, I’m going to ask him how he thinks he would do with no help from his child’s other parent, no after school child care, no child support and no help from family or friends and also be criticized for the predicament he’s in. I’d love to know how well HIS mental health would do with this!

My counselor asked me one time if I thought my family liked the predicament I’m in. I said yes. I truly do believe that they enjoy all of this so they can kick me while I’m down and make me feel even worse. They LOVE to criticize but never offer any type of help. I’ve dealt with all of this since I was pregnant and since losing my job 3 years ago, I feel like I’ve just been in a living hell because every time I turn around, it’s just another barrier. It’s like I get one thing figured out and then more shit happens to keep me stuck.

Again, no one cares about us. There’s no real regard for my daughter or myself and I’ve felt like that since I was pregnant. I would love for there to be a time that I felt like people actually cared. Even letting her Dad take her, it’s always just a temporary thing until he fucks up to the point where I just want him gone. Everyone has made it very clear that until I find a village and people to make efforts or I’m able to afford childcare, nothing is ever going to get better.