I think it's time to go in 2023

I’ve been sobbing for days.
Not crying.
Sobbing.

I guess that’s what happens when the reality of my situation finally makes its way from my head to my heart.

I can’t stay here. I want to, I do. I love it here. I feel you here. I feel you everywhere. But … I can’t do it without you. I can’t do it on my own.

Maybe if I was able to work, rather than collect my tiny pension .. but I can’t, I would love to, I think? Idk, I can’t remember shit from one moment to the next anymore so .. anyways .. my monthly pension covers the rent, almost to the penny. That leaves my monthly provincial disability, which is half as much as my pension- to pay all the bills and groceries.

I can’t. It doesn’t work. I pay the bills one month and go to the food bank that month. I buy groceries the next month and the bills go unpaid.

If Dee isn’t home, I don’t cook anything for myself, I save what we have for when he is home to make sure he eats. Thank God he isn’t picky because I get creative af with the groceries we have - last night I made a fried rice with a porkchop and carrots mixed into it-veggies are veggies, it made the brown rice super orange but it was neat. I always think to myself when I’m concocting these meals that you would never have eaten it because omg carrots. You should have eaten your vegetables, Babes. Should have could have would have … if only.

Thankfully I used to always be able to stock up on baking ingredients before you left so I’ve been making a lot of bread/buns/dough because that shit goes a long way.

I’ve been rationing the girls’ kibble, and while this month is bills month not grocery month, I have to get them dog food tomorrow because I’ll go hungry before I let my dogs go hungry.

I went for lunch with your Mum today. All this stress has been weighing so heavily and I needed to get it off my chest.

I told her my gf Mara in SK has offered to let me & Dee move into her parents acreage, a few kms away from her. She & her sis had to admit their parents into an assisted living facility earlier this year due to severe dementia :( Their home has sat empty since while Mara and her sis have been trying to find the time to clean and organize everything (the last couple years they declined quite poorly before a facility was available so the house has become almost a hoarding situation).

I could live there rent free (there’s no mortgage or anything), pay the utilities, and get the house together for them over several months so they can have an estate sale, list it, etc.

Not only does it obviously help me, but it helps Mara & her sis too so that the property/estate isn’t empty and ripe for thieves. Plus I get their parents contents in order, deep clean, etc while I live there.

I save money and once they decide to sell/keep whatever, hopefully I’ll have saved enough in that time to get a smol place of my own - I found one in her town for $40k. Can you imagine, a goddamn house for less than most people pay for a car?! My house in BC sold for over $375k when I moved and its rented out now for $2800/mo. Un-fucking-REAL.

I can’t leave here with more than I came with because I’ll have to ship a ubox again, its the cheapest way, still coming in at $1800 tho. But almost everything here we thrifted together or got from your Mom and it crushes me to think of having to give it all away because its not worth selling, its just sentimental.

But I thought … why not give Jay a chance? He got clean before, I know he wants to again, he just has to get away from his toxic cunt girlfriend and he knows it but she’s fucking kryptonite.

So I talked to your Mom about it … I pack a ubox, again, but basically leave behind a furnished apartment with rent that is cheaper than anywhere else anyone will find in this location - it’s 2bdrm so a roommate is a possibility for him to split the rent and bills even more .. get on his feet, Dad literally 2 blocks away, etc etc.

It seems so perfect .. I can’t afford to stay, Mara (who is honest to fuck my soul sister, and has been for almost 20yrs, like .. she is the only family I have) and her family need help getting things in order and I need a place to stay .. Jay lost everything to addiction (entirely his fault) and needs a fresh start though this truly would be the very last hail Mary attempt at helping him from anyone but I have the ability to hand him that fresh start on a silver fucking platter ....

Brilliant.

Turns out though .. you might be an uncle again … the goddamn bitch cunt addict girlfriend alleges she’s pregnant. And they’re both locked up … again. So. That changes everything. Clearly he’s not as ready to change as any of us had hoped, there’s no way he’s going to stay away from her if she is pregnant .. it’s such a fucking mess, I can’t even.

Your poor mama. We sat over lunch for 2 hours. Many tears were shed, as usual. I love her so much. What a fucking woman, honestly. I see where you got your stones from .. she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and never once complains. She truly is a queen, a woman I can look up to and admire for her resilience and strength.

She’s going to talk to your Dad this weekend. Thank God they are such good friends despite being separated for over 15yrs. Again with the - your family is fucking epic, Babes. I miss you.

Mum and I already figure my plan for Jay won’t work now we know this new delightful news .. gross. But she’s going to talk to your Dad anyways. Who knows.

I’m just sick with it all. Absolutely sick. If I leave here, when I leave here .. that’ll be it. That’s it. That’s reality. Our little love nest, never again. Gone. Everything. Everything is gone anyway.