On dying .. in 2023

It’s a strange place to be .. not wanting to die, but not wanting to live either.

It’s been 146 days since you left and you don’t even know it - I’m the only one counting .. the only one keeping track. Why? I guess it’s like counting how many days it’s been since I died too.

I wish I wasn’t such a coward. I wish I could just leave too. Oh, but I have so much life left to live, right? So much yet to see and do and experience.

No.

I’m done. Thank you. I’m quite done.

I get out of bed and I wait all day until it’s bedtime again. There’s nothing in between. No life. No living. Just .. nothing.

It’s just time passing. Endlessly. I just want it to end. I’m so tired of existing. Taking up space.

I’m so fucking tired of you not being here. Why won’t this nightmare end?! Why haven’t I woken up yet?!

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was never ever supposed to be like this. We had our whole lives. What the fuck.

Why won’t this broken heart just kill me already?