Why. in Since OD is shutting down....

I just want to understand why people have to be so hurtful and downright mean. He called last night and talked to her. Apparently they were at a restaurant which pisses me off because she said they didn’t go out to eat when she was there. Once she got off the phone with him, she was saying how they had moved and were living in a new house this last time she was there and it was supposed to be kept a secret from me. I’m sitting here wondering if I didn’t even know the address to where my kid was for 9 days. He’s done this kind of stuff in the past where he wanted to take her but I wasn’t allowed to know where she was.

We’ve since gotten up and went to breakfast. She later said that they still lived in the same place so I’m really confused. I text the girlfriend last night saying my daughter has told me a lot since being there and she wrote back, “oh boy” and I didn’t answer again. I felt that response meant she didn’t care. Shortly after, we went to sleep. I’m not really sure how to bring all this stuff up. I think I will just leave it alone and let her wonder.

I just don’t like feeling that my kid isn’t being treated right when she’s around them. I heard her ask him on the phone when she was coming back and he said that because of school, she might be able to come on weekends and blah blah blah so I’m happy to hear that there’s no plan for them to see her as of now. Again, I understand that she needs her Dad and should get time with him but I also wonder how good it is for her to be exposed to bullshit.

She’s also mentioned how they talked about going on that cruise in front of her and it’s not really cool that they are discussing plans around her where she’s not included. That’s rude. I was also annoyed hearing about it as she told me that she had canceled it. I don’t believe her whatsoever. I just want to understand how he gets to live a pretty decent life when he doesn’t work while I scrape up money to take her to do things and I certainly can’t afford to take her out to eat.

I just wish I could find someone to help me understand how I should feel and what I should do about everything. I wish it was easier to find a lawyer that does free consultations but it’s not. I can definitely understand why people just give up.

It’s just really frustrating how I can let go of everything this guy has done to me and still let him see his child and he sees it as just a time to talk badly to her about me. He doesn’t care about how this is affecting her or our relationship. I get that she probably doesn’t understand everything he’s said but she will someday and it could be bad. I just think if him seeing her is just to disrupt our peace than he probably shouldn’t see her. I want him to see her because it’s a chance for him to get to know her and start somewhere but he has different motives.

I’m tired of feeling caught between my child needs her Dad and she also needs to not be around her Dad. I completely get why Mom’s choose to not expose their children to these abusive ass men and then are accused of parental alienation. Well, it’s parental alienation when he chooses to tell her things about me that aren’t her business, problem, or concern too.

My peace is the most important thing to me. I have seen more abuse, lies, and chaos in the past 7 years of my life that I know what to do with. I just need for it to fucking end now. I’m tired of feeling that we are never going to get to a peaceful place and my daughter is always going to suffer.

It’s like no matter how much I accept, I’m supposed to accept more and more. I’m never going to be done accepting abuse and drama. The harder I try to make this a good situation, the harder it gets. I can’t just bend until I fucking break. Maybe it sounds selfish, but he’s never going to be a Dad to her anymore and that’s why I’d rather he just leave us alone.

When I think about how hard it’s been doing it on my own, it’s been easier than dealing with a high conflict person that doesn’t care about his child. He never wanted to be a Dad, just a visitor. A fun big brother. That’s all he’s ever going to be which is fine but there’s just so much added stress with his involvement. I don’t feel that my boundaries matter at all. My daughter said something to me last night about he’s trying to take her from me so I wonder about them possibly moving. If he’s going to hide himself, he would hide my child.

This is why I’ve always talked about getting a court order and having structure. I just don’t want to feel that I’m sending my child with people I don’t trust and not knowing where she is. I worry about what he’s plotting and the fact that I don’t have the money for a custody order. I have to get drop off times in writing and know their address because if he didn’t return her, I’m able to get the law involved. I have to do what I can to protect myself.

I don’t trust him or his family and I’ve had to blindly trust this girl and my daughter has told me enough to make me question it. I think it would be best for a court order and I’m going to stand on that. I’m concerned about not having their current address, the condition of their house, her giving my kid stuff to make her tired, and him badmouthing me.

All I want is to move forward with my own life. Not mad, not upset, completely unbothered. I’ve spent enough time being angry and depressed to last me a lifetime. I can’t spend any more time being upset over this situation because it’s just making it take more time for me to want to do anything else. I definitely think I handle all this better now but I need to reach a place where I seriously don’t care at all. I am very upset about him badmouthing me to my daughter after he’s left me to raise her by myself up until 3 months ago. I don’t know where he gets the fucking right but whether I say anything or not, he’s probably going to keep doing it.

I have sent in my paperwork for TANF. I’m really hoping I won’t have to be there 30 hours a week. I know that once I am in it again, I will be doing everything I can to find employment and get myself out of it. I want to see it as a stepping stone to something better for us. I have to start somewhere and this is probably the best for right now. I’m just sick of being completely on my own and having no one to turn to if I needed help with my daughter. I really want to be able to work evenings/weekends but during the week I need to be home with her for dinner, bathtime and making sure she’s getting to bed on time.

This thing about not having a village is something I think about every day. I know I do the best I can with what I have but it’s really hard knowing there’s no one to help. My daughter has asked my Mom to come around and the answer was always the same. My heart just aches for her because she doesn’t understand. It’s just a hard pill to swallow that people choose to alienate themselves. Everyone has taught my daughter to live without them.

I’m at peace with not asking her to come to the open house yesterday. She came last year and we had to be in a big rush because my Dad wanted her back home. I was so scared that I wasn’t going to turn in the complete application for the after school program because of him. This time I was able to get it done and then look over it several times to make sure I didn’t miss anything. It sucks that it has to be this way but I’m not going to let anyone’s control issues mess things up for my kid and myself. I need to be able to get her into the after school program so my schedule is more open for working.

I refuse to let someone else’s issues affect us anymore. My Mom chooses to let him run her life but I won’t. I know that it probably bothers my daughter that no one is every involved with her except me but she’s always growing up seeing the truth. People aren’t there because they don’t want to be. It’s tough to be so little and have to go through this but my hope is that it will make her stronger for future relationships. People come and go. You can’t force them to be there for you.

I’ve spent most of my life by myself and not ever having anyone to be there for me and I’m used to it. I just hope that it’s different for my child. That’s why I don’t want to be mean or confrontational about things that she’s told me. I want everyone to be involved with my kid if they want to be. I don’t want to aid in chasing people away. I need people to be healthy for my child though. Also, healthy for me. I just don’t think her seeing her Dad should be adding more stress for me to deal with.

I remember for so long feeling that him seeing her was just always a test to see how much I could take. I’ve never felt him seeing her is doing anything positive. It’s just doing more harm than good. I just don’t want to live in this constant state of stress forever and always wonder what the right thing is. I’m stuck between wanting him to be a Dad but him just staying away because it makes everything more peaceful. The Dad being involved shouldn’t make things harder, it should be a positive, helpful thing.