Emotions after son hospitalized, A Poem in Age 36

We’re home, out of there. You’re more or less safe.
There is something deep in the mind that begins to chafe.

I hear you laugh and start to play,
You hear everything your little sister has to say.
The joy threatens to leave, but not from anything done,
Merely because I see you having fun.

That chaffing starts, the anxiety wants to dance along my skin.
It wants to come in, take hold, and stir up some din.
I see you sit back in chair with your screen,
Its your usual spot, you smile up at me once seen.

I hide my thoughts and fight my tears.
We’re home damn it! Yet high tension nears.
I distract myself and get busy because we’ve
been gone a week.
There is laundry to put away and other chores start to peek.

The tasks are welcome because they help to hide
The absolute strife that is brewing inside.

You’re here, you’re healthy. We’ve gone though the worst.
Yet my faith takes a back seat. There is something else first.

I’m hearing you laugh, it sounds so wonderful.
You’d think that would help my mind lull.
Here’s the thing, I’ve become aware.
I recognize the feeling that my heart cannot bear.

Fear is gripping me though I am a woman of God.
I prayed and I begged and the battle was won.

Then why am I feeling this fear grow within?
Fear of my child falling ill again?

This was the hardest trial of my life.
I never again want to feel that strife.

The uncertainty of my son getting better
Only made my eyelashes and cheeks wetter.

The fear of him relapsing hits me hard.
It grips my mind, soul, and heart.

Though I know that in Him I have victory
I continue to fall for the enemy’s trickery.

I have to shake this off, I must see the good.
The good that has happen and not brood.

I know logically that my son will be well,
But all I want to do is lock him in a shell.
I don’t want him hurt and I don’t want to share
This wonderful person whom I love and care.

He will be fine because God is good. I just
have to train my brain to think like it should.
My God loves me and my son, us he will not shun,
I amend what I said before,
It is not the battle, but the war that was won.

Last updated August 18, 2023