Open House. in Since OD is shutting down....

We go to the open house this afternoon. I’m definitely ready to get it over with. I don’t do well in crowds and I don’t plan to be there long. I already told my daughter we are going to meet her teacher, see her classroom and get her signed up for the after school program and then leave. The forms for that can be turned in anytime today through Tuesday because they are going to just be drawing names for it again. I’m filled with anxiety and really scared that she won’t get chosen, like for Summer.

It is really tiring having to do all of this by myself and knowing I don’t have another person to help figure it out. I’m just hoping she’ll get chosen. There’s another program I can try to get her into but they will more than likely be full so I will only be able to work within school hours. It just makes me wonder how many people get spots for their kids that don’t need it and they are taking from the people that actually do. I hate the waiting game. I just don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t get a spot because I don’t have the money to pay someone to get her from school and look after her.

This bullshit where he doesn’t have to help with any of this or even worry about it makes me really angry. It’s just ridiculous having to do everything by myself and it’s never going to get better.

I talked to my friend this morning about all the stuff my daughter has told me since she’s been home and she thinks I need to say something sooner rather than later because if I wait until they want to take her again, then it looks like I’m just making excuses. She’s right because he’s accused me of that before.

I just don’t like feeling that every time I allow him involvement that it ends up just being used as a weapon. I am also sick of being told the negative things he says about me. I just feel like all he wants is to constantly disrupt my peace. We did that toxic shit already and I would love nothing more than to be done with it. I think narcissism can be a really complex mental disorder and the fact that people never change or have a different change of thought is really disturbing. I just want to know what it does for him to say shitty things about me to my kid. He’s spent my daughter’s whole life never putting her first, being a drunk, and yet he feels it’s okay to run his fucking mouth about me. I’m the one who’s kept her fed, housed, clothed, and safe all these years while he’s done nothing to help.

The guy has no idea what it is to take care of a child every day and have to always put them first. He thinks her playing outside is being a parent. He doesn’t understand the expense of a child because he’s never had to worry about buying her clothes, finding a safe/affordable babysitter, or not getting enough sleep because she’s throwing up in the middle of the night. He’s only ever been around for the fun times and happy moments. He’s never seen her sick or had to take care of her while she’s down with a cold.

I’ve been doing dishes and cleaning up breakfast. I have swept in the kitchen and made some coffee. I’m really stressed out but I just try and keep in mind that everything will work out. I’m just worried about her not getting into the after school program and then my time being even more limited for getting a job. It’s really hard to find jobs here that are just within school hours. I spent the better part of last year trying to find something and didn’t have any success. I also have my back problems so I can’t do heavy lifting or stand for long periods of time which is a requirement for a lot of places.

The jobs here are just frustrating. There’s a lot of places that don’t even want to pay anything above minimum wage, even with plenty of experience. It’s hard to find employment where they even offer health insurance too. I worry about losing my health coverage and pay a shit ton for my medications every month and my injections are thousands of dollars. I’ve had 5 of them and the total is probably around 20K already and I don’t know how many more I will need. I’m just worried that if I get a job, benefits with either stop or be cut way down so then I’m just working to stay afloat and still never get anywhere.

There’s really no coming up here. I will only make so much money and it’s really tough to survive, even with a 2 person income. This inflation thing is really destroying everyone financially. It’s like they want everyone to be reliant on the government so they can control you. They want people stuck. It’s like are you playing the system or are you stuck in it? I see posts everyday about struggling single Mom’s that have all the same barriers I have and there’s no help. I don’t understand how they can give people WIC, housing, EBT, help with electric but they can’t afford affordable childcare. Even with assistance, it’s still expensive as fuck and it’s awful having to trust strangers with your children. There’s a few daycares here that people are constantly talking about that should be shut down but they aren’t. It’s crazy how much these places actually get away with.

I’ve been thinking about saying something to the girlfriend about all the stuff my daughter has told me but I just feel like I wouldn’t be heard or that it would be pointless. I’ve spent years being stonewalled and my concerns just being blown off so I feel like it’s a waste of energy. I also get where my friend is coming from with saying something now because if I don’t then it just sounds like I’m full of excuses. I am just tired of feeling like I do. I’m sick of worrying about this guy and the drama he brings to the table.

The badmouthing issue is a serious problem but by addressing it, that just gives him more fuel to keep doing it. I think by staying silent and not letting him know that it gets to me, there’s a better chance for him to stop doing it. I just don’t want to give him any more emotional reactions than he’s already gotten all these years. My daughter knows that whatever he says about me is not true and I would rather she see the truth about him. Someday she’s going to realize that he’s no good and not want to be around him.

It’s bullshit that he’s more worried about saying negative things about me than actually getting to know her. The abuse needs to end and it probably never will. They say it’s parental alienation by limiting their time with the other parent but it’s also unhealthy for a child to deal with crap that they don’t need to deal with either. There’s so much to be said about parental alienation but every situation is different and I believe a lot of the time, the Mom’s are absolutely right in the choices they make. I know all I want to do is give my daughter a healthy other parent and he keeps proving he’s not that.

Everyone keeps telling me to say something about all of this but I’m happy that I haven’t because I want to give myself time to think about how I word everything and I more than likely will say something because I do want to have proof that I have voiced my concerns just in case we ever do end up in court, there’s viable proof that I have said something. I just want to be decent and not have anyone feeling that I’m attacking them.

Currently getting laundry done. I just hate doing laundry here because it’s expensive and takes forever. The clothes have been in the washer for about an hour now and will still take an hour in the dryer. I just like to get it done and over with because it’s time consuming putting it all away but the machines take forever. My Mom used to do our laundry but I’m sure that doesn’t happen because it’s not narrative fitting for other people. It’s so great how other people’s control issues affect my life and just cost me money that I shouldn’t have to spend. Everyone does what they can to help contribute to making my life harder and costing me more money and that’s why I don’t care when they have issues either. I could help but I don’t because they don’t help me either.

I’m still on the fence with the whole TANF thing. I have to send my signed papers back but I haven’t yet. I just don’t want to sit in a room 30 hours a week. You just don’t get paid enough for it and I would rather find other ways to make money. I know they help with car insurance, a monthly check, and gas vouchers but you just have to give up so much of your time. I get the accountability aspect but I think a couple of days a week would be enough to prove my accountability. It’s bullshit that I have more responsibility than he does. I’m seriously fucking over it. I have to get up early, get my daughter ready and off to school and then go there for the day while he gets to sleep and be a deadbeat. Real fucking fair.

But, it would be a start and income that I don’t have to report. I could do it until finding a job that would suit my needs to get back into school. I am not under any circumstance trying to sit around and do nothing forever. The boredom is driving me crazy and as long as you don’t do anything, you will never get anywhere. I want to be in a place where I’m working towards a better future for us and the start would probably to do TANF. It just sucks that it’s so boring and it’s all day long. I just keep in mind that I have to do something. I’m excited for school to start but I definitely don’t plan on sitting here by myself either.

I remember last year when I’d bitch about being alone all day long and my Mom would say how fortunate I am. It’s like yeah but after doing it for so long, you start to struggle with mental health. As much as I’m in introvert, I know that I need other people. I want to be able to socialize with others and have a life outside of being a Mom and away from my house.