Just another day. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve spent the last few days realizing that I’m still too angry over things and I have to find a way to let go. I’ve let anger and pain rule my life for way too long and I don’t want to look back with regret. There’s a lot for me to be angry about but there’s a lot of things to be happy and positive about as well.

Whether he ever pays or not, I’m on my own and I can’t rely on anyone but myself. It’s a harsh reality but dwelling on it doesn’t help.

My daughter has mentioned him and I told her that I wasn’t sure if she was going to see him or not. I let her know that I haven’t heard from him or his girlfriend. I made sure she understood that I love her and like her home with me. I have apologized several times by not giving her a better Dad.

I think if there’s anything thing said about them taking her that I plan to be very vocal with my concerns. Whether I get stonewalled or not, I want to make sure that I have a paper trail with my concerned laid out. I personally don’t believe there will be another visit and I wouldn’t be upset if there isn’t. It’s hard on my child to see her Dad for several days at a time where she’s made to feel special and loved to come back home where the contact is pretty much gone. I will let them know if that happens again for them to not plan to take her again.

I feel him seeing her is just disruptive to both of us and I’m left to pick up the pieces. I want everyone to understand that I’ve allowed this because I do believe that a child deserves 2 parents but she also needs a Dad that’s actually trying to be one, not just to have a certain image for others.

My daughter seeing him isn’t healthy for her. Up until May all she knew was that he wasn’t around and there was no plan for him to be and she was perfectly fine. There was no expectations or sad feelings. Now all that has changed. I just feel like no matter how much he fucks up, no one really wants to see it or how much it hurts my child. I would rather he just go away and stay away because I don’t want her sitting around thinking he actually cares and real effort is going to be made.

I told my friend the other day that his girlfriend has to see all of this by now. I think she does when she understood when I said I wasn’t sure if he should see again and she even said, “you can’t force people” and it’s like right and no one can force me to allow someone to keep breezing in to hurt my kid either. I just want to understand what kind of monster would WANT to keep putting their child through this. You aren’t going to be there and you know it so don’t you think it would be better to just stay gone?!

I don’t agree with these visits because it’s just showing her that he could if he wanted to but doesn’t do it consistently. It’s fun for him to withhold himself from her because it makes him feel good that she does want her Dad in her life. I am just afraid at how all of this makes her feel on the inside and she just doesn’t know how to express it yet.