Untangle the bullshit in 2023

The only way I’m going to figure this out is if I get it written out.

A few weeks ago I received a messaged from someone I didn’t know regarding my ex-husband. Lemme just back up for a second …

Last I had heard, he was dealing with getting our divorce done. I had begun all the proceedings but had to be living out east for a full year before I could file here. You would think that given he was convicted on 11 counts of assault and domestic violence and sent to prison for 4 years a divorce would be automatic? No. It’s not.

Anyway. After Babes died, I got a message to my ex saying if you want the divorce, do it yourself, I’m in no place to get anything done anymore.

Ah, fuck, lemme go back more - he was released from prison 2 years ago and since then, as far as the law is concerned, he has served his debt to society and thats that - which means there aren’t any restraining orders anymore, he’s not on parole or probation anymore, there’s nothing stopping him or protecting me anymore.

I moved across the country. I blocked him everywhere I could think of. I have a very close friend who lives in the same geographical area as him, and she has been my middle-man in communicating with him for the divorce when I was working on it. I was good. I was safe. I was happy here with Babes and our future.

And then, well, everything.

Okay so. A couple weeks ago I get this random message from a gal out west regarding my ex-husband. He’s single and always ready to mingle, he is on every dating site and app you could imagine, he’s obsessed with being in a relationship and having women fawn over him.

Somehow he ended up staying with girl who messaged me because he had no where to live and she was moving out of her apartment and in with her boyfriend so her apartment was mostly empty for a month, so she let him stay there.

Now, in the course of all this, he tells this girl and all her friends that he’s trying to get with, how he went to prison to for beating me because he was protecting my children from me.

In his narrative, I’m a monster who beat my children and he would swoop in to save my kids, causing me to turn on him and thus he would hit me in self defense.

He even changed the location and severity of the stabbing. He claims he “poked a paring knife in the front” of my leg as I came at him and not sunk a butcher knife in the back of my thigh that needed 6 stitches - the back of my thigh, because I was in a ball on the couch cowering from him with my legs pulled up to my face to protect my head and the only exposed body he could find to sink the blade into was the back of my thigh.

The worst part is .. people believe him. I can’t even fathom how any of his garbage is believable. He is 6‘5” and probably 350lbs … I’m 5‘7” and maybe 160lbs. My kids are the most spectacular human beings on the planet, and the 4 of us have always been together - I have never, would never, and will never beat my children. I can’t even.

Ah, anyway. I get this message from the gal, and she tells me all this, right? She even forwarded me a voice message from him in which he says all that, and then says how he’s going to make me pay and ill get what’s coming to me for (in his words) “making a normally non-violent man lay hands on her”.

I’m actually gonna put a photo in here …

Thats his steel toe work boot print on my left calf - the muscle is still disfigured there, 15 years later. Thats one, of at least 7 that I can remember, black eyes. He broke my nose 3 times and it’s permanently crooked now. And thats the bruising from the stabbing - the blade missed my femoral artery by mm but the bruising encircled my entire thigh regardless.

That is what fucking domestic violence looks like.

So, the gal that messaged me tells me that she witnessed his violence & narcissism 1st hand which prompted her to dig a little deeper into who he really was which is when she found public posts I have on social media warning others about him.

She messaged me because she said he’s dangerous and she’s worried for me since he’s really angry about prison and his life and shit after and he blames me 100% for all of it, and she wanted to make sure I was okay.

Ugh. Whatever. I’m used to his shit. I’ve been dealing with it for 17 years, not really a surprise to me.

But then I get another message from a different woman last week basically saying the same things!!

He’s escalating. He knows I’m even more vulnerable that I’ve ever been since Babes died and he thinks now is the perfect time to try to destroy me again. He’s claiming I’m withholding the divorce documents because I know he’ll “go public with the monster she is” as soon as we’re legally divorced.

I contacted the police in his area. I contacted the police in mine. It’s all on record. The police here put me in touch with victims services … I haven’t called them back.

I’m not doing this again. I’m not. I’m just fucking not. I’m not putting a “safety plan” in place, I’m not checking in with victims services, I’m not giving a statement, I’m not charging him, fuck this, fuck that, fuck him.

I don’t care how many people he convinces. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me because of his lies.

I don’t care anymore. It took so fucking long to fight the first time and for what? To put him away for 4 years? A lot of fucking good that did, clearly he learned his lessons.

I just don’t care anymore. Beat this dead horse all you want.

God I miss you, Babes.