Counseling. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had my counseling yesterday morning over Zoom. It went okay. It’s just hard explaining my problems to a new person. She definitely seemed concerned about him getting enrolled because that would mean that custody would go through the tribal courts where there’s a good chance that he could end up with custody. I’m not super concerned because I don’t see him ever getting enrolled because he’s lazy but if that happens, I can’t do anything to stop it. I can’t just sit around worried sick about it. I don’t seem him doing that because then he’d actually have to parent and not have complete freedom, which is what he’s used to.

I’m still waiting on the certified letter about the modification. It should come anytime now because the new amount starts on the 1st. I think if he objected, I would have heard about it by now and I haven’t. I don’t think he did though because he’s lazy. I just want the letter so I know for sure that it’s set in stone and not have to think about it anymore. It’s not like I’ll ever see it anyways.

My daughter told me last night that he has a gun and showed it to her. I’m extremely concerned and planned to bring it up if I hear from them wanting to take her again. He’s the last person on Earth that needs a firearm. I’m not thrilled to hear that he has one and it’s alarming that he would go out of his way to show it to our child.

I’ve decided that if I don’t hear from them about the next visit, I don’t plan to say anything either. I don’t want her to go anyways so it would work out better to just not hear from them. I don’t trust him and I don’t really know her well enough to put a lot of trust in her either. I’d honestly be happy to never hear from them again. I think it would be best for my daughter and myself if he would just go away. You can’t really be a Dad living 3 hours away and only seeing your kid randomly. He doesn’t spend enough time with her to make a bond or maintain it so I don’t see the point in trying at all.

Because I don’t even hear from the girlfriend, it does make me slightly paranoid. It makes me wonder what they could be plotting. I would really be upset if he was trying to get enrolled to take her from me when he didn’t care up until a couple of months ago. It’s just weird how the girlfriend was all into making him a decent person and the last time I talked to her about a week ago she said how you can’t force people and she can’t make him change. It sounds to me like she’s all but rolling over and accepting him as a train wreck.

I’m honestly hoping that I just don’t hear from them and have to worry about my daughter being gone. I try so hard to just roll with it and do the best I can but there’s a lot of concerns. I wouldn’t be sad if she ends up not going because then I don’t have to worry about her and I won’t have the money to do anything while she’s gone anyways. I know that kids need their Dad but they need a providing one and someone that can be consistent. Even as of right now, he’s made no effort again since Saturday.

She has her surgery in the morning. I’m definitely pretty nervous and anxious. It’s going to be nice to just get it over with. I told her over breakfast this morning that she’s going to be brushing her teeth every night from now on and we are going to be limiting the sweets and snacking. I know she gets bored but the static eating is not okay anymore. We have to start making it a priority to be brushing our teeth and I also want to see her drink more water as well. I know there’s plenty of reasons for her dental issues but we are going to be more proactive to take care of them too.

It’s going to be another scorcher today. I’m so tired of the heat already. It’s been pretty mild so far but now it’s really getting uncomfortable. I thank God every single day that we have a home and AC. I remember growing up and we never had AC and just baked all Summer long. I’m happy that my kid doesn’t have to. I remember not sleeping much and then waking up in a pool of sweat. Just so hot and miserable. Not a fun way to wake up. We were out in the heat yesterday where my daughter came home and showered and then took a good nap. I love when she naps and can wake up cool and comfortable. That wasn’t something I got when I was a kid so I’m happy to have that for her.

Part of me is pissed that if they don’t take her, it’s just a stab at me. He’s never been one to take her if it possibly means doing me a favor. Well, she’s been on my clock for about 6 years now while he got to do whatever he wanted so I think it’s bullshit that he’s been able to meet women and establish relationships at my expense. It’s like everything he does is just in the name of selfishness. I know that I won’t ask either because then I’d feel like I’m forcing it and then have to wonder if my kid would be mistreated. I’m not worried about it because I can’t afford to do anything anyway.

It’s like when they’d pick her up from school on Wednesdays for a couple of hours and then he’d get pissed when I’d remind him it’s a school night and she needs to get home, shower, and go to bed. He only wants her if it’s not helping me and it’s actually inconvenient for me as possible. I can see them not trying to get her next week as he would see that as a favor to me so then if I wanted to go out, I’d have to find and pay a sitter while he gets to do whatever he wants, like he always has. We’ve had a total of 5 Summers where he’s gotten to live kid-free while I get no break at all. It’s like he wants to make sure that I stay stuck and has gone above and beyond to make sure that things are as hard as they can be.

He’s gone above and beyond to not pay CS as well. The fact that he works under the table at an event we have here and gets a big chunk of money where I don’t see a fucking dime proves it. He wants to make sure that he doesn’t nothing to help with his child and then wonders why I’m not super receptive and pleasant. I’m just tired of being left holding the bag. I’m seriously so tired of wondering if this situation is ever going to improve.

I told my friend yesterday that I’m just really worried that I’m always going to be upset about something. I wish I could turn my feelings off and go with the flow more but it’s hard when he’s done everything he can to keep me down. It’s really hard to even want to communicate with his girlfriend and I now wonder what her role in this is considering she makes no effort at all. She used to text every couple days and ask how we are doing and now I don’t hear anything. Either they are plotting shit or they just don’t care.

They are supposed to come get her in a week from today. I don’t see that happening. It’s just bullshit that not only does it take a toll on my mental health, but on my daughter’s as well. People just don’t care and you can’t force them to. No matter how much you want people to be involved with your child, you have to accept the inconsistent crap. I told my daughter last night that I haven’t heard from them and she may not be going. She didn’t seem upset about it. I felt that it was better to let her know instead of having her upset later. I also told her that I wish people didn’t tell her about plans ahead of time just in case something comes up.

I have become very transparent with my daughter over the last 6 months. She’s older now and has a very good understanding about life. She accepts that if she spends time with people then she does and if she doesn’t, life goes on. I don’t have it in me to create a false reality for her and constantly sugar coat or defend anyone’s behavior anymore. It’s unfortunate that people do the shit they do but she’s going to deal with it a lot in her lifetime so this is just preparation. I definitely wish that things always worked out but it’s not a perfect world so we have to just accept things and keep moving forward.

I don’t mind having plenty to roll over and accept. It’s just every time I turn around, there’s even more to roll over and accept. It’s like you are never done with accepting bullshit when you are a single Mom. It’s maddening and definitely affects my mental health. I just try and remain positive about what we do have and know that I give my daughter the absolute best life I can and know that she and I are doing just fine. I remember how much I used to sugar coat things for my daughter and finally realized that I did it to the point of just lying to her. I won’t do that anymore. I don’t speak badly of anyone and I make sure that everything I tell her is stuff I would say directly to these people that let her down.