fear, excuses, and truth in Random Thoughts

I have so much to say and have not been making the time to write (which is one of the most therapeutic activities). I will try, though.

Recently little river and i went to a hippie gathering, maybe you’d call it a ‘micro festival’. I started thinking of how much i let fear govern my life. Why is it i have such a hard time entering into social situations? Why do i feel like an outsider? Why have i never had a (romantic) relationship last more than a couple few years? Why is it i don’t understand people being together for such a long time? Why do i not have a community despite feeling like over the past few covid years i kept reaching out to people?

Fear. But why?

Also, i’ve been thinking of attachment theory, styles, disorders. I don’t need diagnosed to know i have one. Ever since i read an attachment book a few years ago, ive suspected some of my struggles lay in that area. Recently though, i’ve started thinking about my pattern of romantic relationships though the lens of attachment and started to have some questions. Some of them troubling. Do i feel sadness and grief or do i just feel that intense pain from an inability to healthily attach/detach? Especially the detachment. I’m dealing with that right now.

Ive had this complicated relationship with someone i used to write about. It started in 2018, right when i was starting to try to get pregnant. Of course I told him about it, he is the one who wanted to be the father. We had issues because I was polyamorous and he was not. He was anxiously attached and I was in response super anxious and avoidant at the same time. He triggered me pretty intensely. After trying multiple times, right after little river was born, at the beginning of the pandemic, I cut it off for good. We didn’t talk for 2 years.

I think about a year ago, actually more, i reached out to him because i was in emotional crisis all the time and had no childcare relief or support or time to myself. Working full time, parenting alone in the pandemic. I knew he would be a support. It turns out that he has been amazing. We talked about it ahead of time. He admitted he was still in love with me but had zero expectations (i’d heard that before). It turns out he really did not have expectations. Very slowly i warmed up to feeling comfortable with him and about 4 months ago i just looked at him and was intensely attracted to him.

The physical attraction was always off the charts. I’ve never felt sparks like this and my body has never responded to anything like him before. We talked a bit and decided to take the plunge and give it a try, no expectations.

His mom was dying. I supported him through that the best i could. Finally last week, she died. He was with her and immensely devastated. After a couple days he asked if River and i could come out, but in an odd way. He basically said “i’d like you and river to come out, whenever you can. but i can’t handle a no right now, so if you can’t then don’t say anything” But the double edged sword in that one is not saying anything is a no. Fuck that.

I feel an incredible amount of compassion for him and my internal response was very complicated. First, my thought was “when can i make it out?” but i couldn’t do it that weekend or the following week and after that it seemed so long. I also had an intense avoidant reaction. What if i went out (btw it would be a flight from Oregon to Boston and a 2 hour bus ride with a 3 year old), what would that say to him about our relationship? I am not ready to commit, i am not even sure how i feel.... i am still in the exploration stage.

And then i think, i need to know more information. When is he really coming home (pre death date was the 27th)? What if we could only come a couple days? What if these questions led to a no?

And behind all of that was that I was having a really, really hard time emotionally and with parenting. I was beginning to feel that emotional crisis mode i was in before i started working part time about this time last year. I was barely making it through the days and counting the days until I had little river in a summer camp 5 days in a row, 5 hours a day (that’s this week now).

So, i feel guilty i couldn’t come out immediately. Guilty that i’d have to wait like 10 days to help him out. Guilty that i was going to my hippie gathering. Anxious and guilty that i was afraid that coming out would mean more to him that i want it to. Selfish that that was even something i thought because i think he really just needs a friend to support him.

It’s complicated.

So, after i “didn’t respond” he texted me saying he didn’t want to hear from me and that he would reach out to me in a week. I think it’s been a week now. He told me someone else was coming out to help him. And i haven’t heard a thing. I am alternately heavy and sad, worried, scared, playing over in my head all the scenarios that would be possible when he does contact me again. All the messages i would like to send him, just day to day stuff, sexy stuff, funny stuff, what’s going on with river stuff. I wonder how he is doing, i’m worried about his mental health. I’m worried he will break off our friendship/relationship. I’ve come to rely on him so much, he is the most consistent support in my life right now.

And i am trying to parse out how i feel. Am i sad? Am i grieving? Do i want to be with him? Or, is this just my issues with attachment? Am i feeling that intense pain of a severed attachment? This isn’t the first time i’ve felt this way with him. It’s why we kept going back and forth.

Well, i’ve spent enough time spewing word vomit into a world where no one will read this. At least maybe I can find some use in this. Goodnight world.