A Proper Fet Journal Entry in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 4: New Beginnings?

I know I haven’t written here in… a long time. From when I first came here? Fuck, hell, life could not have been any more different. From “I want to explore Kink but my sexless marriage sucks and I am initiating divorce proceedings” to “I have a great friend who is helping me explore” to “WOW, I… had some of the best experiences of my life and totally fucked it up by not being able to stop my feelings from getting involved” to… another long stretch of not just celibacy but complete celibacy. Forget about no kink, no fucking, this was no dating, no romantic or physical interactions of any kind! For two years! Just a total… buckle down, change my professional life, change my personal life, go to therapy, do the work, build something separate from my desire to be loved and my need for a physical relationship and… just… build a life from the perspective of “what if this just… never happens? What if no one will love you or fuck you?” And yeah. That was… depressing. But not all together unreasonable.

A few moths ago, now, though someone I had been somewhat interested in reached out. I had misjudged them, they had misjudged me and… she wanted to see if we’d work. I was up for it and honestly? So far, so good! Genuinely, in the best way possible! I’ll admit… feelings are involved. Sex is involved. Zero Kink but trading in Zero Activity for Consistent Sex Life is a step forward for me anyway. BUT to my GREAT frustration, my particular physical dysfunction still manifests. It’s funny… so many women want their man to last longer and ever since the divorce? I’ve just… I’ll be blunt… I want to cum for my partner. Three partners in that amount of time and zilch. No problems getting hard, no problems staying hard. One partner in particular made me feel like a fucking MAN with her commentary on how hard… but… no matter how many orgasms I give… I seem to be having trouble getting there myself.

As things became more consistent and committed with my new partner, I gave serious consideration to really just… tearing this place down. Deleting everything. Removing it as much as I could from the Internet Space. But recently, I’ve begun to reconsider. I’m not ever going to force a partner into ANYTHING. Ever! But I’m also not going to rush back into a “cowering vanilla existence because I want so badly for someone to want to be with me.” I don’t know if that’s maturity or stubbornness or both. But… I want to live a full life. It felt like I maybe got close to seeing what that might look like (even if not… experience it myself)… and I’m not going to permanently wall away my own wants just in the hopes that “that will be enough for someone to want to stay with me.” So… as things do or don’t progress… we’ll see what happens!