Summer. in Since OD is shutting down....

Anyways, so he called Saturday when we were at my brother’s house and I heard him say something about how he just got off work. I don’t see him lying about it in front of the girlfriend but I don’t know if she was in the car with him either. I think it’s bullshit that we keep this a secret and I don’t hear much from her these days so it seems like if there was a job, she would have told me to shut me up. He also said he was coming to get her next week which is really disrespectful when I have told him that we don’t want to tell her about plans in advance in case things don’t work out.

My daughter has her dental surgery on Thursday. We did her physical yesterday and I don’t plan to say anything for a number of reasons. If there is a job, I don’t want him to have an out by coming to her surgery and throwing the job away. I also don’t want to hear about how I’m a bad Mom because she needs work done. He’s just made all of this shit just downright miserable so I think it’s best to not say anything at all. They say by not telling them about medical stuff it’s parental alienation and I completely agree but I also don’t need him making me feel worse considering I’m already pretty nervous about it.

I’m still waiting on the certified letter for the new amount. That starts in about a week so the letter should come anytime. I doubt I’ll see it anyways. I just want the letter so I know that it’s set in stone. I just think it’s bullshit that I’ve sat here for years waiting to see payment while I struggled to pay my bills and make sure my kid has what she needs. I also have to worry about school clothes and shoes. It would be great to see payment in the next week so I could maybe plan a night out but I don’t see that happening either.

I told my friend yesterday that I’m caught between a rock and a hard place with it because I feel like if I don’t say something, it just gets forgotten but when I do say something, I’m just exhausting myself and becoming more angry. I just think it’s bullshit that he’s alive and able bodied so there’s no reason for him to not contribute financially. I just think we’ve all heard the lies and excuses for so long that it’s messed with our judgment. It’s just not a fun place to be to have to constantly wonder if the guy is going to change. The ‘wait and see’ game is really getting old.

I have counseling over the phone pretty soon. I plan to talk about all of this because it’s the main stress that I have. I just need to find someone that’s able to give me a better perspective and help me understand this better. I told my friend yesterday that I seriously don’t know how to deal with all of this and I feel like I’m always going to be upset or angry with him. I have to find a way to just accept it for what it is and everyone online keeps telling me that it’ll happen when I least expect it. I don’t see him ever facing accountability though. He owes thousands and has had a warrant for 2 years.

I just want to understand how other single Mom’s deal with this shit. I know plenty of Mom’s that have to work 2 or 3 jobs and their kids grow up at school or daycare because they are always working. I’m definitely grateful that’s not my situation but at some point I will be working again and have to figure out what I’m going to do if she is to be picked up early or there’s no school. Even if I get CS, I am still the one to make it all work.

My brother has been raising a kid and paying CS for another one so you’d think out of everyone he’d be the most insightful but he’s done what he can to convince me that I need to make this as easy for him as it can be. Well, he’s had a free pass for 6 years by not being physically present and only paying when it’s at his discretion so in my opinion, it’s been about as easy on him as it could have been. I get annoyed with this because even the other day he said that he needs to pay it like everyone else but then didn’t agree with the increase. Well, at the end of the day I really don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks. I’m the one left to raise a kid while he does whatever it is he wants so I’m going to do what I feel I should be doing.

I’m still angry at him abusing me through my friend the whole time I was pregnant. I did it all by myself on top of the aches and pains and had to get the screenshots of him saying whatever would cut the deepest. I still remember after I had her and him sending pictures to my friend of him making out with some girl. Just did what he could to hurt me. There wasn’t provocation at all. He’s just a really mean, spiteful person.