Post-bar in My life

It turned out that the bar exam was… physically demanding! First day was writing day. So, after 6 hours of typing FURIOUSLY, racing against the clock, I went home with… an arm sore. Left arm. I guess my right arm was used to more work so it wasn’t affected as much. Ah, who would have thought, but it was so painful! I popped a Tylenol pill before going to bed so I could sleep.

It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t great. I feel about 60%. And 60% is what one needs to pass, so I can’t tell for sure if I passed or failed. At this point, I don’t really mind if I have to retake. I have outlines and notes from my past 10 weeks of studying. I know the bar exam logistics now because I’ve been through it. Retaking wouldn’t be as stressful an experience as taking it for the first time.

Onto my post-bar life, which is very exciting. I have a whole list of things I want to but never had time to during law school. That’s the thing. I feel like law school would have been okay if only it weren’t so all-consuming. It was the combination of my lacking a passion for law and law school taking up all the time in my day that made it just the worst three years of my life (I know there’s a LOT for me to be grateful about but still it was hard on me!). I was making some small talks with a bus driver some time between my second and third year and I said, “yeah, I just finished two years of law school. Worst two years of my life. One more worst-year-of-my-life and then I will be done!” And boy did it happen just that way.

I figure it’s like this: If you are less than super passionate about your job (this includes liking your job a little bit but not a lot), it shouldn’t consume all of your life, so you can still devote time for other things you find enjoyable and meaningful.

If your job consumes all of your life, it might darn well be something you are super passionate about. It cannot be less.

I guess, um, warning, a bit of talking about a miscarriage ahead.

That day when I found out I miscarried my baby. I went in for the first ultrasound one week before and they told me to come back the following week to monitor it some more. The only available appointment time would have me miss one of my two morning classes, which got me anxious. And so we went and I was told it was a missed miscarriage. I was crying on the way out and sobbing in the car but I told my husband “I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS. I CANNOT MISS THIS ONE. THE PROFESSOR DOESN’T RECORD!” He managed to convince me to go home to grieve properly. So I skipped class, went home, did some readings about whether it would be ethical to use those pills or the surgery to remove the remains of my baby from my body, found out that it would be okay. That weekend, I did the pills and was also working all weekend on a class presentation I had to give on Monday. Luckily my body was kind to me and it wasn’t as bad as the descriptions made it sound. But the whole time I was thinking, I don’t like what I’m doing enough to go through it like this.

So yeah, bar exam is done and the first item of my list is to try to conceive again.

I guess there’s a lot for me to be grateful about. Really, a lot. My law school was objectively a good place. There was an incredible diversity of backgrounds. Professors were unbelievably accomplished. One of the professors used to be President Bush’s lawyer so like, how do you beat that? I have to find out whether I disliked being dwarfed by the people around me or I just really disliked the law, and now I will have the time to do that.