Last day, appointment. in Since OD is shutting down....

I had my follow up appointment today with my back doctor and he prescribed a nerve medication and I have to do another injection on the 9th. He said that my discs move and are crunching whenever I do anything and I have the arthritis. I’m not thrilled about another injection as it hurts like a bitch but I’m willing to do whatever I can do to avoid surgery. He said that even surgery may not correct it.

My daughter has just a few hours left of her program and then we are on our own for a month. She told me a couple days ago that she just wanted to stay home with me. I’m glad that she wants to be at home after this but I just know in about a week, she’s going to be bored out of her fucking mind.

I got some groceries because this is going to be the last time I am able to go to the store by myself. I have to get gas before I pick her up. I also got my nerve medicine and I have to take it later. I just want to have a good night’s sleep.

The lady called yesterday about me signing up for TANF again and I spent the majority of the night thinking about it and I am just not willing. I spent 2 months putting up with all of that shit and I can’t imagine going back. I know that I’m pretty screwed right now with getting a job because I need my insurance, no sitter and there’s no CS forthcoming.

I put a post on Snapchat a couple of days ago about people checking in and out of my daughter’s life. The girlfriend responded and just said, “you can’t force people” and she can’t make him change. Okay well you could stop enabling him too. I can’t force anyone to be there for my kid but also, no one can force me to allow visitation either. I was super pissed about the whole conversation and my daughter is really struggling with seeing him for days at a time and then once they bring her back, there’s virtually no contact until the next visit. I have decided to get her into counseling because I don’t always know what to say to her when she’s crying her eyes out because she misses him and I think we both need help with this.

I used to think him seeing her at least some is better than not at all but I see what my daughter goes through and I can’t go along with this. This is extremely unhealthy for her and I really don’t think there should be another visit or any more contact. Up until 2 months ago, she knew he wasn’t around and wasn’t going to be and now she has expectations that he just can’t fill and won’t even try to. My heart is absolutely broken for her and as much as this hurts me, I just respond with anger.

All she’s ever known is his absence and then his presence is hurtful and confusing. He isn’t ever going to change and I know that. I just don’t know how to make my daughter understand that he’s really never going to be the Dad to her that she needs. I get so wrecked seeing her cry that I want to tell her he’s not worth crying over but ya can’t do that either. I’m so upset that my daughter is going through this and it’s always going to be painful. There’s just no getting through to him and I let the girlfriend know that I’m not sure if he should see her anymore.

He’s always kept himself at a distance and I think it’s because once he does come around, it’s an ego boost. I don’t think he’s ever considered my daughter’s feelings or how this impacts her life. He just feels entitled to endless chances to disrupts her life and cause heartache. Again, I feel this is nothing more than a fun game to him. I just want to know how much of this I should allow when it’s hurting my daughter. Seeing your Dad shouldn’t be a special thing, it should be a normal consistent thing.

I just feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I let him see her, then I don’t have to worry about him trying to tell her I kept her from him and she gets to see the truth but then if I don’t let him see her, then it leads to having to worry about the threat of court. I know that CS and visitation are 2 separate issues but by letting him see her and not pay then there’s no incentive for him to ever get a job. He gets to have his cake and eat it too.

All I know is I’m tired of feeling angry and hurt. I’m tired of worrying about money and if I’ll ever see another dime in CS. I’m tired of being stuck because he’s not doing his part as a Dad. I’m tired of never feeling good about his presence and how disruptive it really is. Every time he’s around, I regret it.