Thursday. in Since OD is shutting down....

So last night I got my daughter her dinner, bath and then she went to bed. I talked to a guy on the phone for about 3 hours. He’s really nice, has a job, car…the whole thing but he definitely talks about the ex wife too much and I’ll try to flirt but I don’t know if he just doesn’t pick up on it or doesn’t know how to respond. He definitely has a pretty low self esteem so I’m sure that has something to do with it.

I had told him my best friend knew him and hung out with his ex wife back in the day to where he just kept bringing up the ex wife and wanting to know what our conversation was. I honestly was getting really irritated. I would try to talk about myself where he didn’t seem very interested and I’d try to be flirty and he just didn’t seem to notice and wouldn’t really respond to it. It’s annoying how often he sends me selfies too. We are supposed to hang out tomorrow night but I’m not sure if I really want to waste my time.

But yeah, I realize that I seriously need to stop harping about the CS and enrollment issues. His girlfriend knows about all of this and is more than aware that I’m going to end up screwing myself because she’s going to get sick of it. If they stay together, she’s going to see me as bitter and maybe not want to be as helpful. I know that she’s paying attention to everything and has her eyes wide open. I have to be mindful of the fact that there’s only so much she can do as well. I just want to feel heard but she’s heard me.

People get burnt out listening to the same drama over and over again. I know that this sucks for my daughter and myself to not know when he’s going to get a job and start paying but there’s nothing anyone can do right now. I just need to stop talking about it and let it go, at least for now. I was probably pissing her off with it a week ago and she said, “you’ll get your money” which really triggered me because it’s not mine, it belongs to my daughter but she probably said that because she’s sick of hearing about it. There’s only so much she can do and I firmly believe she’s doing what she can for him to be accountable.

He shouldn’t be allowed to make me angry anymore but I should also not allow it. If he wants to skate by not paying, he’s going to deal with it later on. I just don’t like feeling that he withholds it to get that extra attention and thrives off of my anger. But again, I need to just accept it for what it is and just keep in mind that he’s either going to pay it now or he will end up paying it later on. It’s going to all play out the way it’s meant to whether it goes the way I want it to or not. I can’t just make other people upset or stressed out over it.

Daughter is home. Dinner and bath is done. She’s laying in her bed. I’m going to kiss her goodnight soon and go to bed myself. I was up super late last night just thinking about everything and couldn’t turn my brain off.

I thought a lot about my Mom today. Sometimes I really wonder how she gets through the day. It’s like she feels that she deserves this life because she cheated but she doesn’t. My Dad was always like this where he wants her all to himself and doesn’t want her out of his sight. There’s no way this shit is healthy and I’ll be damned to ever find myself in a relationship like theirs. I think my Dad has severe mental health issues. I wouldn’t ever allow someone to rule my entire life. I couldn’t imagine treating someone like this and expect them to not develop depression or other problems. I don’t think he’s ever stopped to think about how this shit actually affects her because no one’s feelings matter but his own.

It’s like my kid’s Dad. I doubt he’s ever stopped and thought about how his absence and lack of financial support has impacted our lives. Just a few minutes ago, my daughter was playing on her phone and out of nowhere starting crying and telling me that she misses him. I asked if she wanted to call but shook her head. I’m just going to hope that he sticks around this time and things stay good. She deserves that. I also don’t want to be a single Mom forever. I’d like to start getting help from him.

So I’m supposed to go on a date with that guy tomorrow night. He texted a bit earlier but had been drinking so I haven’t heard anything in a couple of hours. I think he’s super sweet and I’m definitely wanting to hang out with him and see if there’s a connection. I’m not expecting much but it would be cool if it turned into something. I’m kinda bummed that I haven’t heard back for awhile but it’s whatever.