Existential Psychological Drama in Current Events

These times are hard. I feel like this world is trying to break me. The weight of it, it feels like I can’t take it but I’ll make it. I always do. I’ve walked this road. I’ve done this rodeo. I am chasing my tail because I don’t know what I don’t know. I keep getting what I get because I keep doing what I do. Expecting different results is what drives a man crazy yet none of this phases me. I’ve made this chaos a place for me. I’m home sweet home.

When you need water you feel thirst. When you need food you feel hunger and when you need to grow you feel… stuck. I’m fucked. I need to think outside the box to grow outside the box. Nothing grows here. Expansion is the nature of our desire. I’m chasing my tail because I need to do things someone else’s way. Think things someone else’s way. My mind cannot do this task. One cannot fix something with the same mind that created it. I’m wise enough to know that but dumb enough to ignore it. I’m ignorant like a child. I’m too short-sighted to see it through and too blindsided to move.

The theme of my trials is to learn to let go. Wanting hurts. Wanting is the nature of pain. I don’t want to want, period. On the other side of alive, there are no conditions. No wants, no needs. Just being. Just love which is oneness. I have to find that down here. Or am I to create that down here? I should start with finding spiritual guidance. My inner guidance can only do so much as it doesn’t speak. A DMT trip could benefit. If only I wasn’t afraid of it. Fear is about control, this is why I don’t let go. I don’t know how to hold onto faith.

I need to end this embarrassing internal monologue.