Anger, hurt, fear in 2023

I’m angry today. I was angry yesterday, too. Fuck you, you know? For making me love you so much and then dying.

Not breaking up, not making me hate you first, no .. loving you so fully & completely & happily, eternally … and then having you ripped away so suddenly. What the fuck.

What the actual fuck?!

My head has been crashing in my skull for two days. The weather is thick and warm and overcast, so I know its an atmospheric migraine. I wish the sky would just open up and pour so I could walk to the lake in solitude.

Too many fucking happy people out there when the weather is decent. Enjoying their lives. Absolutely oblivious to how lucky they are to be holding hands & laughing with their soulmate while mine sits in a goddamn urn in a shrine I created for him.

I hate every day. Honestly. Every single one. I used to look forward to things, days, times .. but now, fuck if I don’t forget what day or even month it is half the time. There is -nothing- to look forward to.

Nothing.

No celebrations. No anniversaries. No holidays. No trips. No errands. No projects. No ideas.

No fucking future. Nothing.

Dee will be 18 in February, and graduated by June next year. Erik & Em are living their absolute best lives already out west, they good. Dee will be soon, too.

And then .... I’m done. I guess I can look forward to that.