WINCHELL'S DONUT HOUSE in Adaptation

Here, have some of my joy...

We've been here for 25 days and I'm STILL unpacking shit because:

a) I STILL have way too much stuff (even though I've RUTHLESSLY CULLED this shit four-fucking-times-fuck!).

b) It's been hot-as-cock more days than not and hi! Nope. Nuh-uh. For those of you playing along at home, I loathe summer just as much as I loathe winter - it's basically the same deal: It's too fucking sweltering - or too fucking freeze-your-tits-off - to do ANYTHING. The ass-dent on my couch is impressive. Don't be jelly.

c) This apartment is small - which is fine, not complaining - and by Montreal standards it has quite a bit of storage. See: a) I STILL have way too much stuff, et al.

d) I'm still crazy as a shit-house rat. (What does that even mean?) Loosely translated: I'm extremely unstable - my mood fluctuates by the minute, lately. I literally cannot stop this krazytrain and I desperately want OFF. Now would be good. (Add in the chaos of not having my shit unpacked and it's ramped up beyond measure.)

e) As usual, I'm completely wracked with chronic pain - which feeds my chipper mood and sunny disposition which makes me feel so goddamned GIDDY to be alive I could just... put a sawed-off shot gun in my mouth and kiss the world GOODBYE!!!

(DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO DO A GODDAMNED LINE BREAK ON THIS FUCKIN' THING?!?!?!)

_ LINE BREAK!!! _

This just in!

I'm sooper-dooper ambivalent about Peter and whatever-the-fuck-this-THING-is aka: "The Relationship".

He's been pretty supportive and helpful and kind to me, his hosebeast spouse.

He's also been a bumbling idiot I regularly fantasize about poisoning.

Eh.

Whaddayagonnado?

_ LINE BREAK!!! _

My sister (who lives in Tennessee) will be vacationing in Ontario next week. She's harangued me incessantly (like, for real - not embellishing!) about coming back to Ontario to see her for a few days. It's also her 50th birthday. And she's been FB-friends with my ex-best friend for awhile now so somehow, the whole shit-show has snowballed into a reunion/party/insane type of fuckery I'm not sure I want to participate in.

Because:

f) We're fairly broke after the move and are in that really fun spot where you're between jobs/receiving your employment insurance claim/my Quebec-disability payment got axed because suddenly, my man is back on the scene and in Big Brother's eyes, that means he's got oodles of cash (OBVS) to support my fat-lazy-"disabled" ass. Sister's solution: she'll pay for everything! She gave me her credit card! (Does he even KNOW me?!?!?)

g) We literally just got here, to Montreal. I just left Ontario! I was there for Drew's graduation and it nearly did me the fuck IN, emotionally. I hate it there - it really triggers me and makes me feel like shit. Sister's solution: "Vape the shit away!" Which... yeah. But still!

h) This... reunion with the ex-best friend. Now... we're Facebook friends and I'm friends with her sister and there's really no bad blood between us. At this point, it's been about 15 years since we fell out. She made amends to me, I accepted, but then, it just kind of fizzled. Our lives went in different directions and it was just one of those things. So! Do I want to see her? I guess. I dunno. It's kind of like... I don't even care, honestly. Sister's incessant haranguing of me about it isn't exactly a selling point.

i) I'm still hobbling around like a little old lady who got hit by a bus. Traveling - with its endless walking and staircases and other people breathing on me - exacerbates this shit. Plus, I can't find a cheap seat on the train that's under 7 hours and 45 minutes.

7.HOURS.AND.45.MINUTES.

I could fly to Europe and it wouldn't take as long.

Fascinating tidbit about me:

I can go about 4 or 5 hours in a car, train, plane, etc. before I want CLAW MY OWN FACE OFF.

I get claustrophobic and antsy and unreasonably crazed with very little provocation - WHEN I'M NOT EVEN TRAVELING. So, yeah...

j) We have an opportunity to be kid-free for 12-fucking-DAYS-y'all! Interestingly (?) enough, Drew is going to Ontario to go to a concert and see friends and see my sister! Me an' that rat-bastard wouldn't mind some alone time. Damned kids.

I dunno.

Part of me would love to go for a swim in Georgian Bay and see my (insane) sister and maybe-don't-really-care-either-way ex-best friend, plus - MaggieTheCat and my gayboyz, etc.

_ LINE BREAK!!! _

CT on my knee this afternoon. Then, follow-up with the orthopedic surgeon whom I'm rilly-rilly hoping will rip this busted-fucker out and gimme a nice shiny new titanium one!

Also:

Had an ultrasound on my belly last week and as the technician PRESSED DOWN ON IT WITH ALL HIS MIGHT, he asked me:

"When do you physically feel this mass in your belly?"

Ummm... I can feel it when I bend over, when I breathe, when I sleep, when YOU PRESS DOWN ON IT WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT.

Uhhhhh... yeah... hence this-here ultrasound yer doin' on me, yeah?

Also - I kind of took that to mean there is, in fact, a mass in my belly - otherwise, why would he ask me that?

I'm a bit perturbed.

Like, he said it in a way, that was very... yup! There it is! On the screen! Can you see it? It's your little belly-mass!

Do you want a 3D picture to hang on your fridge?!

Fuuuuck.

_ LINE BREAK!!! _

Thinking about going back on medication. I think the repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation was mostly ineffective.

SURPRISE!

I mean, I felt pretty okay-ish for about three weeks.

And then, I stopped going - as recommended by the psychiatrist. I'd done 9 weeks of treatment by that point - every single (week)day for 9 weeks - it was a slog, but I did it.

And here I am.

Again.

Hopefully, my useless-as-a-school-nurse family doctor will just re-write my 'scripts as opposed to yet ANOTHER 6-months-long wait to see a psychiatrist.

FINGERS CROSSED!