Consider this 4 Entries in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 4: New Beginnings?

Consider this four entries at once. AND OBVIOUSLY AS WITH ALMOST EVERYTHING IN THIS PROFILE, NSFW AND SEXUAL CONTENT WARNINGS APPLY

ENTRY ONE: I have made a new book for this space! One of the features I truly adore about Prosebox is this “New Book” feature. “Same adventure, new chapter” is all well and good; but carrying that same spirit while allowing some organizational separation is much appreciated. Perhaps, some might say, it is premature to start a new book. But honestly… whatever comes in the near future or far future… I am on a New Beginning. I acknowledge I’m never truly “PAST” anything. What has happened to me has happened to me; how I have reacted is how I have reacted… one cannot change the past by wishing it different. But whatever that past… even should my future not differ significantly from what it is now… I am not really… haunted by my divorce, my FWB experience, nor even my situationship. Not really. So… a new book felt valid.

ENTRY TWO AND THREE: (Dated from 7/2/2023) There is no properly sensitive way to preface this. If you’ve read my work, you understand my complicated relationship with pornography. ESPECIALLY as enhanced by my ex-wife’s bullshit. Starting from a place of extreme emotional and mental conflict about porn and then adding on a “wife” who expressly states, “I’d rather your sexual needs be taken care of solo; just don’t let me catch you because I don’t want to see it”… well, a recipe for quite a number of disasters of various respects. So, it is in that spirit of conflict and difficult history that I wish to write this particular section. You see… I’ll not mince words here. July 1, 2023 was my first kiss in over 2 years. And while I wouldn’t necessarily call what occurred “making out”… it got close. And with my… shall we say… significant personal drought? It did not take much of that to get me bloody rock hard. A part of me is admittedly embarrassed by that, if I’m being honest. Granted, the object of my affections whom I have dubbed Hermia is a beautiful woman that I sincerely care about; so… a pleasant physical reaction to her is nothing to be embarrassed by. But… there is something about becoming that hard over simple kissing that, at almost 40, feels like an advertisement for my inexperience. And if not pointing to my inexperience; at the very least, pointing to my prolonged lack of erotic or romantic exposure. But still, this is largely preamble.

To get to the substance… another level of embarrassment… the recognition of truly how… different and wonderful it felt to be getting sexually stimulated by a real person in my immediate vicinity. I’d forgotten. AND FRANKLY, let’s not forget that two years ago, I significantly altered my own biochemistry because we had concluded my medication resulted in anorgasmia. SO… also really the first time of feeling sexually stimulated by a real person in my immediate vicinity on this medication. And something about it felt… so much better than the alternative. Sincerely. An incredibly, massively significant difference. The kind of difference where I earnestly and honestly think to myself, “Frankly, I don’t have any interest in pornography if I can experience this. This interaction alone is better than the full coming to completion of the alternative. No question, no comparison.” So much so that, honestly, I went without pornography for longer this last week than I’ve done in… maybe several years? Maybe longer?

But here is where the brain and my past engage again. Because you’ll remember… while I honestly did not have feelings similar to this with Victoria, I very much did with Essen. Now, wisdom and a demand for clarity require me to say… the “Porn Response” regarding Essen was/is exceptionally different from the “Porn Response” so far felt with Hermia! For practical reasons, emotional reasons, and sexual reasons. First and foremost? The “Porn Response” feelings with Essen did not enter until after we’d had sex. A significant difference considering Hermia and I have not had sex, nor any of the “sex adjacent” activities. Second, prior to Essen and I having sex- she and I had built a very deep, if too fast ergo potentially superficial, connection. So there was a deep bond present with Essen… and even then the “Porn Response” didn’t kick in until after we’d had sex. NOW, I say that to admit… Hermia and I are not to whatever level Essen and I felt regarding connection. BUT a wise man knows that “feelings of connection” cannot be compared together as though they were in every way equal from one to the other. Essen was experiencing exceptionally heightened states of trauma and quite literally used me and my place as an oasis. Hermia is… not experiencing exceptionally heightened states of trauma, nor is using me nor my places as an oasis. In fact, regardless of her physical limitations, Hermia strikes me as one of the (honestly) most emotionally stable and mentally put together women I’ve ever dated! Information not to be ignored lightly! So… these situations are different… and it is a difference I can tell even without considered thought. For Essen? It was honestly… “Why look at Porn, I can get the best sex of my life from a living person! I just want that!” For Hermia? It is somehow both less and more. It is less in that… my “boo porn” does not come from a place of “best sex ever” because I have no idea the quality or potential! But it is more in that… I didn’t need hours of conversation and hours of sexual entanglement to think, “What I received in person is better than simulated.” Merely… kissing her and becoming erect from it was enough!

ENTRY FOUR
All that being said? I still feel something in the back of my brain. Like a small cat scratching on a heavy oaken door… too small to push it open at all; but persistent enough that the noise is easily heard and recognized. UNLIKE some of my previous sexual partners; I am NOT one to play The Comparison Game. Perhaps Victoria was thinner, perhaps Essen’s breasts were larger, perhaps Hermia’s legs are better… perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. I don’t do that, at least not consciously, at least not anymore. But I do know what that scratching sound is. Sex with Essen was… honestly, out of this world. Spectacular. SURE, I never orgasmed from it. Foreplay, multiple positions, full kink…I cared about that woman more deeply than I should have and found her more sexually attractive than any man in her history (I can say with confidence!) And while I am genuinely over the moon that I was able to provide her with the orgasms I could.... I never came. BUT EVEN STILL, it is not hyperbole to call it the best sex I’ve ever had. And part of that? I really did find her so attractive. Heart, Mind, Body. It would not be an offensive overstatement to suggest that I salivated over her in both intangible and tangible ways. Now here, I must confess… there is no promise that Hermia and I will ever copulate. You don’t leap from “ooo, kissing” straight to fucking. EVER. In any situation, regardless of individual characteristics. But I would be lying if I said I hadn’t been considering it. Thinking about it. Wondering about it. Even, dare I say, permitting a little excitement over the possibility. And yet… I hear that scratching at the door. I don’t have the ability to open that door and that door shall remain closed for all time. But the persistent scratching… to remind me, to pull my attention, to plant the seeds of “Was it as good? If it isn’t, what does that mean?” I will admit… I do find Essen still very sexually attractive. In fact, I would now admit I find her more sexually attractive than Victoria… information that would shock many and royally piss off Victoria.

But here’s the end of the story. All things considered? Essen is NOT the one for me. I don’t know if Hermia is. I’d like to give it whatever shot exists. Maybe this becomes a relationship involving sex; maybe it doesn’t. Either way… I am honored, flattered, and excited that I get to start some kind of new chapter… and hopefully, maybe, Hermia will be a part of that chapter. As ever… whether by reputation, story, or unresolved issue… I just hope whatever isn’t negatively impacted by my history or brain regarding the FWB or the SItuationship.