Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

We went to my brother’s for awhile last night and had burgers. Shot off some fireworks. My niece spent the night. The kids had bacon and cinnamon rolls for breakfast. My brother said he wanted her home by now but hasn’t said anything yet.

I’d like to know if there’s going to be a payment made. He messaged last night wanting her to call but I said just call when you’re free, she knows how to answer and never heard from him.

I made my insurance payment this morning and I’m running out of money in my account. I still have to pay my internet bill and it’s due in a week. Not sure if CS office will be open on Monday because of the holiday so if he’s looking to pay it through them directly I’m sure he’ll use that as his out to not pay it.

Literally I am so tired of living like this. Wondering if shit is ever going to get better and if I’m ever going to be able to get out of the spot I’m in. I guarantee he wouldn’t be able to survive if if he was in this spot. I don’t even know how I’ve done it for so long. HIs lack of accountability is absolutely sickening. The more I think about it, the more I want to flip out.

I just want to be in a place financially where I’m able to get a job. I want to be able to start putting myself first even a few hours a day and not worry about my daughter so I can get us in a better place. I’m tired of knowing he’s never going to be reliable, even from a financial stand point.

My niece has since returned and I’ve been cleaning up my daughter’s room because her new bed arrives on Thursday. I’ve taken her old bed apart and had the girls throw it away. The new girlfriend has messaged over Snap but I haven’t checked it because I’m worried what it could say and I don’t feel comfortable having conversations unless it’s through messenger or text because I like being able to have receipt of what’s being said just in case things end up going to court. I may text and just say I see you messaged over Snap but it won’t let me see what you said. I’m really wary of her because she is with the enemy and he’s done nothing but threaten me with court for 2 months so I’m going to do everything in my power to protect myself.

I have a really big kink with being able to screenshot things and send them to others as well. I know that you aren’t supposed but I really don’t care. I have my friends and people that do care what goes on in my life. This guy has done so much to me that I have to constantly have my guard up and that’s what I do at all times. It sucks to constantly have myself in survival mode and I really hope at some point we are able to reach a place where it doesn’t have to be this way. I want to be able to relax at some point and have peace.

Having a baby Daddy that always wants drama is exhausting. It’s definitely calmed down this time but I don’t think it’ll last because it never does. I wonder if this girl understand there is no rehab for this guy. I doubt she even knows about that website that he’s on. He didn’t call to talk to his child last night because he was on there. He might do good by her for awhile and even for his child but it will never be long term. He might make his child a priority for the first time in his life but it’s never going to be something I can rely on and I’ll never plan on it.

My brother and I were talking about my Dad’s settlement last night while I was at his house and he kept talking about how they need to just say that it’s none of our business. Well they aren’t going to do that because they know it is since they’ve always borrowed money from us and don’t pay it back. He said that they only mentioned it to him once and that’s because they are trying to cut him out completely which is absurd. They’ve done him just as dirty. I’ve told him that there is no money and it’s not even a thought to give us a fucking dime.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d say something about how I could’ve reminded him about the hearing. That’s not my job to remind a grown ass man about an important PHONE call. No one had to remind me! That would be like me reminding him that he has a child?! I think it was absurd when she felt the need to tell me he lost out on a job because CS hindered him from getting his DL, well maybe he should’ve been paying it? Ya know, the way I see it is if he doesn’t want to face even further problems he could do crazy thing called PAY IT and maybe make his life a tad easier and if not, I don’t care to hear about his consequences?! I don’t know where the fuck this bitch would think I should give a flying fuck?!

I have told the guy to his face that I don’t care what happens to him. Pretty sure you can’t get any more heartless than that. If I was the new girlfriend in this situation, the LAST THING I would do would be is reach out the the BABY MOMMA and tell her about the dude not getting a job due to CS! WHY would I ever think she would care! I would just know she’s probably the last person on Earth to have any regard, especially when I know the guy owes her thousands of dollars! I’m still reeling over the fact that she told me through text the other day that she can’t understand how he owes thousands. Uh, well probably because he didn’t pay it?! For long periods of time would be a really good guess?!

So that’s why when they are made aware of the fact that his amount is going up and she says anything, I plan on telling her that it’s either going to get paid or it’s not but I’m not the one to care once he ends up facing real problems. He’s left me holding the fucking bag all along so I’m not the bitch to care what happens to him! There’s been absolutely zero regard for my daughter or even my mental health all along so don’t expect me to give a damn about him or what he ends up going through either.