Exposed in 2023

I had the worst Canada Day, ever. Ever.

I tried psyching myself up all day to walk the half block to the lake and take in the massive festivities like we did last year but … it wouldn’t be the same without you.

I stayed in with the dogs. I’m glad. The fireworks were insane for over an hour, even right out in the parking lot of our building. I had 150lbs of bulldog(s) in my lap most of the evening.

And then your brother and his girlfriend showed up at the door at 10pm. How the fuck did they know where we live?!

I was caught so off guard. I haven’t seen Jay since you died. The last time we saw him & Lei was at their place for their shared birthday your Mom put together - a month before you died. I remember being so pissed when just before we were going to cut their birthday cake, they both disappeared to their bedroom to shoot up first.

So yeah, imagine my surprise when I saw the two of them at the door .. high .. with three duffel bags, and Lei wearing one flipflop and one croc on her feet.

Last I had heard Jay was in jail, having OD’d shortly after you died, and then being locked up for breaching his probation. Fuck sakes, I was really hoping he would get clean (again) while in jail.

I guess not.

So I invited them in. I didn’t know what else to do. He is still your brother, and that makes him my brother too.

We chatted for a while, mostly about you. Then Lei asked to use the bathroom and I was like, yeah of course. So she grabbed one of her small bags and disappeared for 30 minutes. I should have known. She came back fried af.

Then Jay asked to use the bathroom and as he walked down the hall, I heard the clanking of little glass bottles in his pocket. I can’t believe these people are shooting up in my bathroom.

They told me they’d been kicked out of their place and had no where to stay. I kind of guessed that given the bags they had with them. I started frantically texting your Dad and sister, but it was after midnight and celebrations were just winding down so it took a while to hear back.

Your Dad told me to just kick them out. Not to let them stay, at all. They’re addicts, we all know it, we’ve all tried and are continuing to try to help Jay but they cannot stay with me.

It took me until almost 2am to get them out. They stuffed their pockets with kraft cheese slices and yogurt cups, and I gave Lei my pair of flip-flops to wear. Jay could barely put his shoes on he was so fucked up.

I was genuinely scared. In my own apartment. They know where I live, whats to stop them from coming back any time? And your Dad is literally one block down the street from us, why didn’t they go there?!

Am I overreacting? I know Jay would never ever ever hurt me, ever. But I don’t like addiction. This is my first experience with it and I don’t like it and I don’t want to be around it and I don’t want it in my house.

I have no fucking idea how to deal with this .. while still trying to figure out how to live without you. 3mos today. 3 entire months without you.

Fuck I miss you.