Modification. in Since OD is shutting down....

My daughter was absolutely obnoxious today and I was honestly glad to get her dropped this morning. I was definitely on edge getting my phone call over with and she was just driving me crazy.

The hearing went very well. The ref told me right away that he failed to appear so my anxiety washed away instantly. She just asked about my job situation and if I had any physical or mental disabilities and I told her I had 2 herniated discs and I haven’t had surgery but I filed for disability and that she set me at minimum wage. She was setting him at minimum wage until I told her that he was making at least $15 where he was working so she combined our incomes and I will be getting a decent amount and it will be set starting August 1st.

The girlfriend told me last night that he didn’t get that job because he doesn’t have his license due to child support. I wrote back and said this is a big mess for everyone. I told my brother who said that he can get his license by signing an agreement to make timely CS payments and I’m sure they made him aware of that and he just didn’t tell her because he still wants to put the blame on me. Well, I’m not the one who owes all this money though.

I’m worried he’s going to be getting the letter of CS going up before they are to get her on Monday and them taking it out on her so I’m hoping they just don’t say anything about picking her up. I’d rather her just stay home so I don’t have to worry about it. I wonder if there’s going to be a payment made.

Words can not express just how grateful I am that he didn’t attend the hearing. Even though all I said was that I’m not working and I have 2 herniated discs, that would have been more than enough for him to use against me. The less he knows about my private life, the better it is. I don’t want him knowing ANYTHING about my personal life whatsoever. I’m just sitting here taking deep breaths gathering myself feeling blessed that I don’t have to worry that he’s sitting around talking shit about anything that he could have heard.

The chance of him attending was pretty slim because he knew the focus was going to be on the financial end of this and no matter what he said, it wasn’t going to offset his obligations to his child. It wouldn’t have been in his best interest to attend because his girlfriend would have heard plenty and he would have looked even more like a fucking deadbeat. Thank God he found a girl that’s stood up to him about me and our situation so he knew it wasn’t going to help his case to be in on the hearing trying to ugly talk me.

When she was going to set him at minimum wage, I could have let it slide but since he’s still working under the table, I decided to speak up. He’s managed to find free ride after free ride his whole life and dodge any and all responsibility to his child and even with the increase in child support, I more than likely won’t see a dime. I still have to figure out schedules and make it all work whether he pays or not. So when his girlfriend said, “we are pissed” well what exactly are THEY pissed about? He still gets to have a choice in all of this. I don’t!

I guarantee he’s going to get that letter saying his child support obligation is going up with the amount and he’s going to hit the roof and be livid. Still not pay it and probably won’t see his child so I’ll be left with a heartbroken child. She will suffer even more. All of it comes down to punishing me. I just hope whoever is reading my diary is careful who they chose to have children with because I don’t want anyone ending up like me and I definitely hope my daughter doesn’t end up a single Mom and if she does, I hope her situation is a lot better than mine and I told my friend that this morning. It didn’t have to end up this way and it could be a lot better by now. My daughter turns 6 next week.

My Mom called and asked if I had my thing today. I told her yes and how it went. I didn’t tell her the amount because I just don’t think everyone needs to know my business. I don’t even know how or when I plan to tell my brother because he already knows that it could go up to a certain amount and was pretty pissed about it. I just don’t know why he’s so pressed about it because I probably won’t see a penny anyways. All he’s ever done is leave me holding the fucking bad and I know that he’s going to keep doing it.

My daughter is the best thing that’s come out of a really awful, tragic human though. She didn’t ask to be born and certainly didn’t ask for this. I don’t know what the hell I’m ever going to tell her. I’m just worried about how this could go if they don’t get her on Monday. I’m worried if they do get her and how she’s treated. Kids don’t care about CS or who doesn’t like who. It’s not her load to carry. It’s not her problem that her Dad willingly chose not to financially be responsible for several years and is now dealing with the consequences.

I’m still very hurt that he abused me through my friend every single day during my pregnancy and kept doing it after I had her. I’m angry that I paid all my bills and all my daughter’s expenses out of my pocket by myself along with working and he didn’t help at all. I kept everything running and did it on 4 hours of sleep every night for months at a time while he got to do whatever he wanted. I couldn’t even reach out to him for moral support. He’s never had even an ounce of compassion for me and has treated me like complete trash all these years. He’s altered my brain chemistry so much that I know I’ll never full trust a man ever again. I’ll forever be a different person because of him.

My 2 big events this month are finally over which was my ablation appointment and the modification and now I can breathe. I now just have to wonder if they are still planning on picking her up on Monday and if I’ll see a CS payment. I would really appreciate if I did but if I don’t, I’ll be alright. We’ll get by like we always do. I’m just glad that I can feel myself again. I hate feeling scared and anxious. Those have got to be the worst feelings in the whole world.

I have to get to the point where I don’t talk about him or CS anymore with anyone. Everything worked out the way it was meant to and I have to move on now. I’ve let him and money rule me and my thoughts long enough. I know with just CS I would lose sleep over it and think about it to the point that I’d be physically sick and now I just have to accept that I don’t see it and I have to live without it and keep going. I got a couple of payments after 2 years and it’s on me to get a job and just be like the rest of the single Mom’s that make it all work with no help from the Dad’s that refuse to support their kids. I have to be on that same bandwagon.

There’s just so many people that believe he just shouldn’t have to help support his own child and I have to accept that. Everyone has their own views on it and that’s another reason why I have to stop talking about it. I just get even more angry because I tend to internalize other people’s opinions of my situation even though I’m the one living it. I think people say the things they say partly because they don’t like me. They like to add insult to injury. I believe it’s just society as a whole has this perspective that it’s acceptable to make babies and stick all of the responsibility on the Mom’s and let them figure it out. I don’t believe that it’s just coming from people that don’t like you.

So as far as them taking her on Monday, I’m just hoping nothing is said about it. I doubt a payment is going to be made and it’s not fair that he continues to financially abuse me and I let him take her. I know that I can’t withhold visitation over CS and I don’t intend to do that because she needs time with her Dad and if they want to take her, they are more than welcome to but this issue with the financial side is really becoming bullshit. It’s not effective for me to say anything and I don’t plan to but I’m going to just let it be what it is. He called and talked to her the other night saying he gets paid next week so I’m kinda expecting to see a payment.

The fact that he’s still doing the work under the table is a control tactic because that means he gets to have say in when he pays it and how much. I don’t get to have say in when I support my child so it’s not fair that he does and he always has. I’m also concerned that if things go downhill with his girlfriend that he will go back to not seeing her at all. I still believe that this is all just a show for her. He’s only ever cared about seeing his child if there’s someone around him that might care.

It’s better for him to not pay though because then I don’t have to feel any type of guilt about raising the CS or his consequences once shit hits the fan. He’s made his bed. He’s going to get that letter stating that the amount has been increased and then he’ll have even more reason to be vindictive and not pay is my guess but not stop and think about the backlash he’s going to receive for this. He’s a really stupid guy. He’s always loved to blame his actions on everyone around him and never himself.

With his driver’s license. I’m sure the employer made him aware of what he needs to do in order to get it and he still tried to make the girlfriend hate me for it because he doesn’t want to commit to a job, much less having to pay CS. He’s done what he can to keep her in the dark about all of this as well. He hasn’t made any serious changes since being with her by not telling her about his CS warrant and with not getting a legit job. She’s been with him long enough that she’s seeing his behavior and I’ve given her plenty of insight that she knows what she’s in for so my sympathy is gone. I know that it’s only a matter of time before she sends him back here because people can only take so much.

The guy has just too much baggage for anyone to deal with long term. I’ve told her he’s just got too many personalities, too many undiagnosed mental illness, he’s a pathological liar, he’s bitter and crazy, he was probably still sleeping with an ex that lived next door to his sister, he’s abusive, I told her about the warrant, she told me about the letter from CS and how he owes thousands. Like she knows exactly what she’s in for.