Surface Pressure in Current Events

If I had to be completely honest with myself, I’m tired. It’s not a physical tired it’s in the soul. I’m just fucking tired. I’m tired of going through this shit. I’m tired of things not working out. I fucking tried. It’s not a “I don’t wanna live” kind of thing. It’s more like if God was sitting across from me right now there would be a part of me that would just want to go up to him and say “I’m done! I can’t do this anymore. I’m mentally and physically spent.” It’s a silent battle too. It’s a battle you hide from the world and from the people we love. And from the people we want to love or want them to love us because who wants a broken person? If the people in your life knew how broken you were would they stay? This raises the question of “how do I fix this? Can I fix this?” I dunno.

Yesterday, I came across a TikTok where a man was on that tangent above. I really felt it at the time. It’s cringeworthy today but now I am wondering what “giving up” would look like.

I would find a dead-end job that requires minimal skills and stay at it for the rest of my life. I would be a lifer again. I would just do what I’m told and believe what I’m sold and just eat lots of breads and desserts and get all fat and sassy. That is what giving up would like for me. I wouldn’t have to want anything that I am wanting right now. It is the wanting that hurts. Wanting hurts. I didn’t want anything in my twenties. I thought I had it all. A job, a car, and my own apartment. I want more out of life now and I know that have to work for it. I am getting in my own way, of course.

The more I want something the more I am telling myself that I don’t have it. I get stuck in a positive feedback loop. Last night I was trying to remember the last time I didn’t feel stressed. When I didn’t feel the existential dread. When I wasn’t feeling the constant struggle to keep my life together. It really has been a long battle. 10 years in the making if I start my count from my last nervous breakdown. No wonder I feel done. It’s been 10 years of nothing working out. 10 years of not getting what I want and 10 years of nothing going my way. Other people keep getting in my way. I fucking hate people so much. I want to lobotomize myself with positive thinking and convince myself that it all means that there is something better coming along but I need to be real. The universe doesn’t owe me anything.

Am I doing my best? I hope not. I hope that this isn’t my best. The solutions to everything are simple, just not easy. It makes it very easy for me to judge others who suck at life and health. We are not all victims, most of us just have weak characters and make bad choices. My roommate has developed two autoimmune diseases since we moved in together. And an allergy. Vaccine injuries but she will refuse to believe it. Those graphene shots are the leading cause of coincidence. She continues to act against her best interest. She finished off her bottle of wine last night. She ate a lot of sugar before bed. She is on her way to cancer. What an idiot. What a fucking idiot. We don’t catch diseases, we create them. (Cancer is a fungus that eats dead tissue.) I feel like she is a character foil. I get to experience and witness the worst version of myself through somebody else.

I have such mundane first-world problems and I know we all do. When I watched that TikTok again I didn’t have the same experience. I just wanted to tell that man to get his life right and open a Bible. Classic projection.

I need to move on with my day now. The water was cut off without any warning so I don’t have any running water. All I want to do is wash my face and get ready for my walk with Kyle. Whatever.

Last updated June 28, 2023